The 3rd and 4th Generation
This is the last in a 4 part series about creating new patterns in your family that will bless the 3rd & 4th generation.
4) What’s Missing
“The Lord…who keeps lovingkindness for thousands, who forgives iniquity, transgression and sin; yet He will by no means leave the guilty unpunished, visiting the iniquity of fathers on the children and on the grandchildren to the third and fourth generations.” Exodus 34:7
It might be a universal truth that parents want better for their children – better upbringing, better opportunities, better life. The obstacle to fulfilling that truth is this little thing we call Reality. Life can be difficult. Whatever baggage brought from childhood doesn’t get unpacked right away. There’s lots to do first, like work, and relationships, then babies come, and then, maybe only then, are old bags rummaged through because they’re in the way and you keep stubbing your little toe. And what you find, if you’re being fair, is that your parents struggled with Reality too. Maybe they made some decisions that affected you negatively. Maybe those decisions still do. And if you were to go back and had the opportunity to ask them, they’d say that they too wanted a better life for you – and you got it.a
It’s easy to isolate a childhood experience and criticize your parents for it. It’s easy to identify a trait that Dad had or your Mom was guilty of, but Reality is such that it’s always more complex than that. They are who they are and your childhood was what it was. Onward. The key here is to identify not only those things you thought they didn’t get right, but also those things that were missing.
- What’s Missing: A harsh word is easily identified rather than the parent not providing verbal praise or love. For both Lis and Dave that was the case. Neither Dave’s Dad nor his Mom (while his Dad was alive) provided the critical words “I love you”, ever. Not once. Lis’ parents were pretty much the same in that regard. Languages of Love was foreign to both sets of parents. Not that they didn’t love us, of course they did. They gave to us what they got in life. Expressing love is a skill, not an assumption. Both of us, again because of the parenting programs that now exist, learned languages of love and understood that when taught early will tie into self-worth. This can express itself eventually in such behaviors as achievement, success, and happiness. Don’t let verbal praise be missing from the equation.
Love can also be expressed through developing skills. How many fathers teach sons how to fish? How many moms teach girls how to bake? Sports, crafts, maintenance, and all the socialization skills necessary to conduct oneself in life – eye contact, speaking clearly, shaking hands, and the long process of learning how to think – should be actively present in the parent child relationship. Don’t let skill development go missing.
And lastly, the big one – Time. That thing called Reality is a unforgiving taskmaster when it comes to balancing all the priorities in life. Borrowing time from family to devote to work is standard. Even the Bible says, “If you don’t work, you don’t eat.” That has been generationally the case for our families. Foregoing workouts to attend a dance recital, baseball game, and/or swim meet is also standard fair. You can’t do it all. But life’s priorities will be reflected in your choices and the consequences will play out. Therefore, get on the same page to become more efficient and figure out how to balance the urgencies of Reality will help you not let Time go missing in your children’s lives.
In this 4-week series we wanted to highlight that you come from your inherited family culture that impacts you today. It’s up to you to decide whether you stand at the leverage point between ‘the sins of the father’ or ‘the blessings of the father’ as a Biblical catchphrase for generational family growth. Does God punish children for their parents’ shortcomings or do their shortcomings punish children on their own? Your growing awareness of how your childhood continues to play a role in your life can positively impact how you intend to raise your children.
The traits that must be eliminated is where you place the stake in the ground, a trait that ends here. Genuine, transparent communication with your spouse and children will eliminate sarcastic undertones – Guard your tongue and tone. Provide guidance to your children and change your Must Do’s into Can Do’s. And, fill in the missing pieces to make sure your spouse and children daily know your appreciation. These will ensure a generational transformation as the blessings of your parenting becomes passed to your grandchildren and great grandchildren.
To the blessings inherent in the generations that follow you,
Lis and Dave Marr