“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; the one who seeks finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.” – Mathew 7:7-8

 

The door to your child’s spirit is seemingly closed. Their behavior is not in alignment with your wishes. Their tone in dialogue with you is conflicted and bordering on disrespectful. Is it a phase and the best course is to wait it out? Or is it time to update your parenting style and possibly reevaluate your own perspectives. The answer to those questions is yes.

As a child leaves the relatively calm days of childhood and enters the turbulent period of adolescence, their view of truth shifts meaningfully. From day 1 Mom and Dad are God to a child. Not a representation of God, but God. All things flow from them. Every word is Truth. Then as childhood carries on, a child’s perspective widens slightly, but Mom and Dad remain at the pinnacle of Truth.

Adolescence arrives with a massive development of mind, body, and spirit. Mom and Dad fall from the peak to being infallible humans, sometimes with a bitter awareness. Truth becomes subjective – my truth, your truth. School, police, government, church, and mostly, friends compete for supreme status as arbiter of “The Truth”. And to whatever degree the homelife is strong or weak, a child will push back on those relationships because “Children don’t rebel against authority, they rebel against relationship” (Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo).

And, importantly for young families to understand, because Mom and Dad are God, Truth is accepted fully and completely. The Truth received in childhood is absolute – What does love look like? What is honesty? How do I communicate with my family? What does trust mean? – Mom and Dad’s Truth will be compared to an ever-widening Truth as a child moves into adolescence.

What does Love look like? Every heart’s desire is to belong, to be known and be accepted, to feel connected. And as a child moves out into the world, it is confusing and scary as a subconscious sense of independence emerges. This subconscious ill ease can grow over time until it finds expression in reaction to the constraints of family obligations – school performance, freedom limitations, hygiene requirements, electronics control, as well as, underperforming behavior – lying, hiding some truth from mom and dad, porn and masturbation, and other “unacceptable behaviors”.  This increasing burden can have the ill-effect of causing a child to retreat so as not to be judged.

The best way to connect with a closed child is to avoid it as best you can in the first place. Family Identity is key. Repeatedly stating those values by which everyone lives: “We are The Marrs. We are children of God and as such we live honestly, we care for people, we are open-spirited and generous. We are a family, we come together regularly to share our lives, we trust one another because we are trustworthy, we celebrate each other’s success, we comfort one another’s pain. We also are adventure-minded, open to new experiences, we push our boundaries. We persist in times of challenge, and we maintain self-control in all things. We are the Marrs.” Every day brings opportunities to declare – “__________ happened, but as a Marr, how will you handle it?” Declaring ourselves to be on Team Marr.

The objective is to engage the child’s integrity to remain open to Mom and Dad while the new elements being introduced to their life are labeled in words.  A child doesn’t have words to describe what they’re going through. “How was school today?” “Good”. “What did you do today?” “Same.” “Did you learn anything worthwhile?” “Uh, no.” But before interpreting the child is closed and doesn’t want to engage in a conversation, realize that learning a new vocabulary to all the new experiences is an uphill climb.

Therefore, bring them close and explain to them that this new era of life will require a new approach to communicating both internally and externally. You’re helping them learn to process internally so they can express themselves externally. “Tell me about your day” opens a dialogue that might serve better. “Who did you hang out with?” “What did you go over in Mr. Swanson’s class?” all provide a bit of engagement and information to develop context of your child’s life. Mom and Dad should consistently ask these same questions every day to provide a platform for the child to practice downloading their life, putting words to the interactions of the day, gaining perspective, and making sense out of it all. “This is what our family does.” Without knowing all the names and personalities of the players, how will Mom and Dad know how to react when full engagement really becomes necessary? In other words, being fully engaged is part of Family Identity. Trust between child and parents is reinforced with the sense that “We are here for you when the going is fun and when the going is tough.”

Avoiding the potential for a relational break where rebellion blows up family relationships requires Mom and Dad to come together well in advance of that era. The factors that cause a child to close off are too numerous to list here and you may still experience it despite your most loving and fully engaged efforts. But you are putting your parenting in a justifiable position where you have declared openly and honestly from the beginning what the family is about, and how everyone can expect you to behave. This provides a firm foundation for your child. Conversely, unstated values asks more of your child than they are capable of managing. For a teenager to interpret the essence of your values and live by them is a nearly impossible task without repeated guidance. Instead, stating your values and then identifying and picking apart situations where those values have been lived out, gives your child a fair chance to develop a sophisticated internal/external vocabulary.

Next week we’ll delve into what to do if you already find yourself in the situation of a Closed Child.  Part one of Communicating with a Closed Child , along with all our Tuesday Letters, are available on our website.

Many blessings,

Lis and Dave Marr

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Fall Parenting Seminar Series – Each 2-week session will explore a new topic that will equip and encourage parents with practical insights and tools. 

Wednesdays starting 10/12, 6:15 – 8:00pm – Hosted @ Cherry Hills Community Church – In Person- Free Childcare is available!

More info & registration: https://onefamilyhwl.org/event/fall-seminars-2022/