The idea that you’ll raise your children the same, each receiving equal amounts of your time, energy, money and intangibles is a commendable idea, but unrealistic. Equality certainly should be true as it pertains to your love and your moral guidance, but the simple truth is that love is often perceived by children through the allocation of limited resources.
Consider the scenario if you have 3 children in sports. A boy might be gifted in baseball, a girl in gymnastics as common examples, and a younger child might not have the same sports desires. Early days of those sports allows for a reasonable balance for each child to receive attention from mom and dad, but those particular sports are demanding of time. Within no time the competitive pull draws family resources down the path of commitment in order to “fulfill our child’s potential”. Time and money are diverted from other family elements to do so. As seasons pass and competition increases, the diversion of family time and money resources can increase and even become a sacrifice. Parents are caught in a major dilemma of how to allocate those resources among the competing time schedules ofchildren. And what about the youngest who must tag along. The potential message regardless of any verbal explanation is – “The individual is more important than the family.”
In the Marr life, our oldest child, Dano, is a very talented artist. Though art competitions in high school didn’t cause us time and money constraints like the above examples, it does illustrate the challenge families face when presenting likely “reality” to your child’s chances of making it into the big time. Dano could have gone to art school instead of college. And he could have refined his talent into something big, wonderful, and satisfying. Conversely, he could have been a frustrated artist not able toconsistently pay the bills, much less start a family. No telling what the outcome would have been. But we advised against an art career. Our college advice is no different than telling a child “We’re not going to fly to Omaha for that baseball tournament this weekend. Instead, we’re going to stay home”, which effectively says, “You’re not going pro”. Parents must assess their child’s chances of going all the way and set reasonable limits. And in the conversation explaining the decision, chasing an unlikely dream that consumes too much of limited family resources may not be fair to everyone in the family.
College costs and wedding costs may be way down the road for your family but introduces the conceptual distinction of “even” versus “fair”. A clear example of that is related to weddings. We have 2 boys and a girl. The amount of money we’ll spend on Shelli’s wedding will far exceed the boys’ weddingcontributions. It won’t be close to even. But it will be fair. We discussed that with the boys, and they concurred. College costs similarly weren’t even, but each of the kids got into the school they wanted. It wasn’t an open checkbook, but it was fair to eachand fair to mom and dad.
Fairness is sometimes even, sometimes not. Sometimes fairness has its limits, and the outcome is neither equal nor fair, butmaintains a 3rd element called balance. In all the above description, the giving of time, the giving of money to the children does not come from some bottomless well. It comes from the time, savings, energy, and loving intent of mom and dad. The foundation of the family’s wellbeing must be considered in what is fair and what is equitable. It is a commonplace story to hear how mom and dad sacrificed all to ensure their child is launched in sports or college properly, only to find the well has run dry in money or marital intimacy. The sacrifice snuck up and became too much to bear when each looked up and saw that the necessary resources for marital investment had been invested elsewhere.
There are hidden costs associated by not balancing the entire family’s wellbeing in the calculus of pursuing a child’s potential in sports. It’s pure pleasure to watch your child succeed on the field. Maybe too much pleasure to give up. However, your ability to say “no” gives you capacity to say “yes”.
All the above is a bit of vague cautionary advice. The takeaways here are:
As a coach on several team sports, Dave wanted his kids to play, have fun, and WIN! When other families took their child on a family vacation, Dave was irritated. Now, a more mature Dave recognizes the wisdom of those families to invest in the long-term well-being of family over the short-term irrelevancy of sports glory.
To your wise family dialogue,
Lis and Dave Marr