One of the most powerful skills you can teach your child that will immensely increase their likelihood of a mature, well-balanced, happy, life is the skill of adult forgiveness. We’ve talked in these Letters about childhood forgiveness which is an important foundation for maintaining relationships and not being burdened by a heavy heart bound up by feelings of hurt in the early years. It’s foundational to release the hurt and move past the incident. Imagine the child who harbors ill will towards every bump and bruise that other children have to offer. What an emotionally lonely existence that would be.
But we are making a distinction between childhood incidences and the early stage of adulthood where malicious hurt is not uncommon. A child can be confronted by a situation that seems intended to do harm. The world seemingly explodes with daily examples of bullying, meanness, manipulation, and acts that can do real and lasting physical and psychological harm. This kind of harm isn’t one that gets forgiven with a quick “Will you forgive me?” No, this’ll take time. But it is a skill.
Obviously, let’s just make sure you recognize that the first call to action is to stop the harm from continuing. Whatever we’re talking about – physical abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, social abuse, betrayal, neglect – a parent has to do whatever it takes to end any serious harm currently coming to their child. Don’t be casual. The terrible-case scenario is to hear a small complaint that some girls at school are saying mean things and then flicking it aside as no big deal and then it blowing up. Or the texts or TikToks going around that highlight some challenge of daring-do that kids are pressured into. It’s mindboggling the firestorm going on in some schools. In order to stop it, you have to be within your child’s inner circle of trust to even know what’s going on.
Once the safety of your child is secured, it’s not over. The immediate aftermath of the problem will take continued involvement by you. That’s intuitive. The turbulent waters could last a while. But the spoken and unspoken message remains – “I am here to see this through with you. I will never let go. We’ll see this to the end – together.” Your strength could be the life raft your child hangs onto.
Ok, now to the point of the Letter. Once time has passed to allow reasonable processing, maybe a month or two, you see that your child hasn’t let go yet. There are subtle or overt hints that not all is resolved, wellness and joy haven’t returned to your child’s psyche. Maybe professional therapy can help, a person skilled in seeing the signs of distress, but regardless, with or without a therapist in the mix, you want to help your child resolve their inner turmoil and so they can move on.
Forgiveness is a heart issue. Moving on is a head issue. We all have the ability to compartmentalize. But with a hurt so big, it may not fit easily into the closet. Your child might try to push it away, but it leaks under the door and the ability to focus on other things is impossible. Take betrayal for example. A girlfriend or boyfriend gets in close to know the vulnerabilities, insecurities, and the fears. Then they change cliques or break up and leave for someone else. Soon the deep secrets are out. The humiliation is public. The psychological pain is debilitating. How do you forgive that person for that?! Well…the parent must advise, “You do. You must.” Being jaded by early pain colors perspectives and could inhibit future intimacy. This is where mom and dad’s guidance and commitment to help comes into play
In all relationships, people make goodwill deposits and withdrawals regularly. In a balanced, successful relationship, both accounts are well stocked with goodwill. But betrayal empties the account and just whistles past zero into deficit. A person is left to ask, “Were all our times together, all the things you said, a lie only until someone better came along?” “Can I trust myself to judge people correctly?” And the killer, “Did I bring this on myself because I am unlovable?” The account is drained of all goodwill. That’s where therapy from you, and maybe a professional, says “Bad things can happen to good people. Some questions can’t be answered quickly. It’ll take lots of time. However, in the meantime you have to forgive and live life.”
Ultimately the final question isn’t, “Why did that person do this to me?” There’s no good answer to that. The better question is, “Am I capable of providing enough goodwill to myself to make up for the deficit that person left me?” Goodwill would be a child recognizing mom and dad’s wisdom, “that person who hurt you is very young too and is led by childish emotions. It’s not you. You have to step in and join us (mom and dad) in appreciating how wonderful you are. They just ‘can’t know’, ‘are too young’, ‘have problems of their own’, etc. You, as a parent, need to model what adult forgiveness looks like, give personal examples if you have them. Share how God asks us to forgive our enemies……..Do some role-playing, and reiterate that you are on their side and will be there the whole time along the way
Because with God’s help, if your child can provide what’s missing, it’s not a very big step to forgiveness and moving on. Of course, just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you forget it, or you accept them back into your life. It’s just that you are not burdened with it, not reminded of the hurt in future situations. It’s a package deal, by forgiving them, you forgive yourself, ex-friends, parents, circumstances, whatever. Goodwill is entered into the account, balances the ledger, and pays the debt. That can only come from within (with your’s and God’s help).
Long and heavy Letter, but parenting can get pretty tough. Teaching a child forgiveness is very important. Being there for your child when adult forgiveness will be required will be lifesaving.
May you never need to.
Blessings,
Lis and Dave Marr