“I commit to you I will be at your game today.”

“I commit to you that after I get home from work, I’ll play catch with you.”

“Will you commit to me you’ll give it your best on this assignment?”

“Will you commit to me, while I make dinner, you’ll go clean your room?

“Will both of you commit to me and to each other, you’ll play this game nicely?”

“Mom and Dad, I commit to you to being home by curfew.”

This is powerful.

Words matter. To use the phrase “I commit to you…X” is to apply the highest standard of effort. This is not casual. It indicates that come what may, whatever obstacles enter the equation, whatever new information changes the landscape, one’s word is good, it’s solid, it can be relied on.

For years, we have done what many do – diet. We’d eat our body weight in chocolate every Christmas holiday along with the multitude of year-end parties where the food and drinks are rich, plentiful and adds converted sugar to the increasingly depressing bodyweight gain. After years and years of insanity – expecting different results from the same effort – we started using the daily words, “I commit to you (Lis/Dave) I will not have alcohol or additional sugar* today.”When added to our “Why” (Dave’s family history links a propensity of Alzheimer’s and dementia to a lifetime of excessive sugar consumption that increases the likelihood of cognitive decline), a powerful focus arises. It’s no longer an insane struggle to force willpower over desire, where desire wins in the long run every time. For us, committed integrity and relationship are the winning combo.

(* The recommended maximum of ‘Additional Sugars’ for people 2+ is 25 grams per day, 6 teaspoons. The 2017 average consumption for 2-19 y/o in the U.S. is 75 grams per day, 18 teaspoons.)

The factors of success are:

  • Tying integrity to the words “I commit to you…”.
  • Committing to someone daily (Discuss at the beginning of the day if you are not willing to make a commitment for that day).
  • Have a strong enough reason to commit. Understand the “Why”.

Translate this into parenting. It takes a while to get a 2–4-year-old to pick up toys after the fun part is over. Helping them understand the “Why” they should pick up, teaches them the valuable skill of thinking about others. “Hey bud, I love it when you have fun with your toys, but you’re old enough now to put them away every time without me either telling you to do it several times or doing it myself. So, I would like you to commit to putting your toys away after you play. That saves me lots of time and hassle. Now, I’d like you to say the words.”

“Mom, I commit to you I will pick up my toys today.”

Ok, this will take more than a couple of attempts for your child to gain understanding. But think about what happens with success! “Dad, I commit I won’t leave my bike out in the yard.” “Mom, I commit to making my bed every day.” “I commit to finishing my homework before answering texts.” This notion of committing one’s integrity is more than a promise. A promise allows for conditional failure, like saying “I’ll try to…”

How many dinner conversations can you imagine having around this idea of committing? “Stevie, I want to tell you how proud I am of you when you said you were committed to cleaning up your toys after play, you remembered to do it, and you did it completely. I can tell that you felt responsible for doing a good job because you committed to it. Really awesome!” What if this notion of committing becomes a family trait and your children commit to your family values, family identity, personal integrity, and relational trust? What does their future look like?

We have seen young people “fall away” from their parents’ strict notions of correct habits and beliefs. Once out of the house and able to decide for themself, the young person can break free from mom and dad’s rules. The choices usually are rarely better and are often harmful. What that says, in effect, is that the parents imposed rules on the child’s outward behavior rather than help build the child’s inner character. Give a child the reason “Why” today’s effort makes sense for today and for their lifetime, give them the words to use to cement their resolve, and it will create personal ownership in their character. More dinner conversation topics!

And as always, you modeling the way is the difference-maker. When your children hear you commit and experience the satisfaction of it being fulfilled, they will come to know that your words of commitment matter.

We commit to your thriving family,

Lis and Dave Marr