There is a significant link between the moral education of children and engaging whole brain learning that leads to greater emotional Intelligence and self-regulation. Raising morally responsive children can be a complex and challenging job, but it will not happen without intentionality on the part of mom and dad. To be intentional means you make the moral education of your children a priority by setting goals, establishing standards and a proactive plan.
The significance of this was emphatically confirmed at the GFI Parenting Conference recently held by OneFamily. The presenters emphasized the need to be aware of the neurological impacts on a child’s brain development without neglecting moral (heart) training. Dr. Robert Bucknam (Babywise) and his wife Gayle, a mental health expert, conveyed that numerous behavioral issues observed in their practice, from toddlers to teenagers, are not always neurological disorders requiring medication but often require consistent, sensible parenting. You can watch all these terrific presentations and gain a tremendous amount of new insight by signing up at: https://events.humanitix.com/gfipc-video
“Raising morally sensitive children, whose conduct brings life to the moment, is not a matter of chance, but of intentional parenting.” -Gary Ezzo
Most of us tend to do the majority of our parenting when there is a behavioral problem occurring. In that moment, we try to fix it and we think we’re done with it only to see the same problem come up again and again. A common trap many parents fall into is focusing on restraining their children’s wrong behavior by bringing correction only to that moment without providing the moral reason why behind the correction during a time of non-conflict (TONIC). This is where understanding of the neurological impact and moral training meet.
Children learn behavioral lessons best when both the parent and the child are calm and not in a heated moment of conflict. Here’s why from a neurological perspective: When we or our children are stressed, angry, fearful, anxious, or upset, the amygdala (fight, flight or freeze part of the brain) is triggered then the stress hormone cortisol is released. No amount of harsh words, raised voices or pleading will deliver the more permanent behavioral solution you desire. Rather, we need to engage the prefrontal cortex of our brains (executive function/reasoning) in order for our instructions to be best communicated and understood effectively. Gary Ezzo speaks to the importance of Frontal Lobe Parenting in his engaging conference presentation.
Here are three ways to engage the prefrontal cortex:
- Be an intentional and proactive parent: Make time to set goals, standards and healthy boundaries for your family. Rich and Julie Young in their conference presentation discuss defining your “parenting targets” based upon values. Additionally, Mom and Dad need to be on the same page with these objectives and then have a strategy for how they will teach them with each child. Keep a balance between building a loving, trusting relationship with our child and the moral training you are working on. Be sure that your core family values are in place to support the moral education of your children while building a loving and trusting relationship.
- Know your own triggers: Never try to teach and discipline your children when you are feeling impatient, frustrated, stressed, and upset. Address misbehavior when it happens but be sure toinstruct with the “Why and How” of proper behavior when both you and your child are calm and controlled. It takes approximately 20 minutes for the stress hormone cortisol to dissipate when we are upset, angry and stressed. Teaching your child the expected and the appropriate behavior can also be done prior to those situations (pre-activity encouragement) where misbehavior may occur – grocery shopping, having a playdate, going to a restaurant, visiting relatives, etc.. This can minimize the possible corrections you would have to address later.
- Have a strategy to teach your children moral lessons, virtues and relational skills: Speaking words of life that promote and elevate virtues like self-control, kindness, helpfulness and respect are important when teaching the “Why and How” of proper behavior. The Youngs also mention that sometimes our parenting strategy and goals can get off track when we focus on the behavioral outcome (i.e. obeying) rather than the moral vision we have for our child that then guides our training.
We strategically used dinner time, dates with our kids, and rides in the car on the way home from practices, school or church as teaching time with our boys. Some parents have also incorporated our OneFamily Daily Quotes or Family Conversation Cards as a part of their moral training strategy as well.
Parents who understand the neuroscience behind moral education will be more effective in teaching and relating to their children. They will have kids that are receptive learners who feel loved, calm and secure while filling their hearts with character-building morals and social-emotional skills.
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich