Blah. Blah blah. Blah. Blah, blah, blah!
This is the sound or noise that children, spouses, and friends hear when we try to communicate during times of conflict. Meaningful conversations and effective communication never occur when people are angry, frustrated, exhausted, feeling defensive or mentally preoccupied. You cannot teach a child the principles of self-control while they are having a “level 10” meltdown in the grocery store. Nor can you discuss marital issues (parenting, finances, in-laws, etc.) with your spouse the minute they get home from work or a meeting. For effective communication to occur, it must be during a time of non-conflict. Otherwise, it’s just noise.
From a neurological perspective, when we, our spouse or our children are stressed, angry, fearful, anxious, or upset, the amygdala (fight, flight or freeze part of the brain) is triggered and the stress hormone cortisol is released. No amount harsh words, raised voices or pleading will convey the outcome you desire once the amygdala is activated. Conversely, the most effective and productive communication happens when we engage the prefrontal cortex of our brains (executive function/reasoning). Please read Neuroscience and Moral Education to gain additional insights on the dynamic between the amygdala and the prefrontal cortex.
One of the very best times of non-conflict, for our marital communication, has always been right after dinner. After a busy or hectic day, it is great for us to unwind and get back into the rhythm of home and family. This allows us to create the mental and emotional space, we need, between getting home from work and finishing dinner. Then, after the kitchen was cleaned and the boys were playing or doing homework, we would have CouchTime. We discuss everything from parenting issues that need to be resolved, to planning our weekend, to revising our monthly spending/budget.
As we mentioned in our Role Playing letter and in the many GFI classes we lead, teaching and training children during times of non-conflict is a proactive way to head off potential times of chaos and conflict. Prior to going out to dinner, for example, we would take a few moments to role play appropriate “restaurant behavior” at our own dinner table. We would role play speaking politely to our servers, reinforce mealtime etiquette we had been working on, and show how to wait patiently while everyone finished their meal. This relatively short time of non-conflict, before heading out to dinner, made a huge difference in creating an enjoyable family outing.
One thing you will begin to notice as you put into practice communicating during times of non-conflict, is that it also is very effective in other relationships as well. Having a critical conversation with a friend or co-worker over coffee is much more effective than waiting until the relationship becomes strained before addressing an issue.
So we want to challenge you and your spouse to think about your times of non-conflict throughout the day and week! See if you can commit, or recommit, to being consistent with this effective communication tool. Here are some more examples for you to consider as you think about our challenge:
Marriage Relationship
Before the kids get up in the morning – We have several friends that find that this is their perfect time to talk about important issues or have extra CouchTime.
After breakfast or lunchtime on the weekends – Perhaps talk about certain “annoying” habits that might be emerging with your spouse (like too much phone or tablet time)!
Sunday Evenings – Plan out the days and times you can have CouchTime for the upcoming week. Life is busy and every week looks different with kids activities and work obligations or travel. This allowed us to plan ahead and be intentional about scheduling our CouchTimes.
Date Night – Retake the love language test(Emotional Touch Points) and discuss over dinner, various ways you would like to see those love languages expressed to you.
Parenting
In the car – Preemptively ask questions and discuss, “How do we properly behave at the store, at our friend’s home, or doctor’s office?” As your kids get older, transition these questions to “Why do we show respect to others?” and “How will you do it?”.
Before bed – Incorporate some talk time during your child’s nighttime routine to have special conversations that encouragingly reinforce examples of proper behavior your child had that day. Or lovingly discuss ways improper behavior can be corrected in the future.
After breakfast on Saturday mornings – Role Playing time to teach what self-control looks like (i.e. “quiet hands”), how to properly greet adults, or how to interview for a part-time job for your teenager.
There are two important things we want you to remember about times of non-conflict. First, it’s a proactive investment and a hedge against potential conflict. Using a time of non-conflict as an effective means to communicate, sets proper expectations and creates an environment for that relationship to succeed.
Lastly, not ALL times of non-conflict should be reserved for teaching, instructing, and critical conversations. Have fun with your kids, spouse and friends during times of non-conflict too! Find the balance between relational enjoyment and intentional discussion. Think of Time Of Non-Conflict as TONIC for all of your relationships!
Blessings to your family,
Shelly and Rich