Lis was coming out of the grocery store when she observed an altercation that seemed to be a sign of the times. A man was backing out of his parking space and apparently didn’t see a father and son walking behind him. The two were not in danger, but the father took offense at not being seen anyway and proceeded to yell at the driver. The driver took offense at the foul language and responded in kind. A heated yelling match ensued. The young boy watched the whole thing. Ok, this is an extreme example of lack of grace. We easily can see that the father let his emotions dictate his parenting style and let that be an example to his son.

Less extreme and more common was on display the other day when Dave was driving to work and observed another car altercation. One driver was executing a legal U-turn and another driver coming around the corner was turning into it, was surprised, and honked her displeasure. I could see a child in the car. It was a case of venting at the “Other”.

Everyday parenting is essentially us adults demonstrating to our children-observers how to actually behave in the world regardless of whatever verbal lessons are our instructions on behavior. The closer our observable behavior is to our stated morality, the more coherent is our family identity. Demonstrating in everyday living the notion of “Grace” has wide-ranging implications to our child’s sense of appropriate behavior to others.

What is a good working definition of “Grace” that our children can understand? Grace is the space you give other people to be human, make mistakes, have opinions different than yours, and live their lives according to their own dictates – all without judging them. A little deeper definition of Grace would be acknowledging the God-imbued preciousness of their Being and your lack of understanding of God’s purpose for your encounter with them. Therefore, Grace is honoring God’s fingerprint on the moment.

Jesus said the two most important commandments were “Love God with all your heart” and “Love your neighbor as yourself”. Grace barely distinguishes between the two. For when you go through the day and you encounter an “Other” whose behavior doesn’t make sense to you, it is demonstrating love to them and also to God by accepting their path as God-given, just as yours is. Judging makes you smaller; grace makes you bigger. Therefore, with your children within earshot, you can bless them on their path by audibly verbalizing acceptance:

  • “That person must be in a hurry. We’ll just let them go ahead of us.”
  • “He didn’t see us, no big deal, let’s just get out of the way.”
  • “Someone left their grocery cart in the parking lot next to our car, they must have really been rushed. Let’s put it back for them.”
  • “Well, I don’t understand what that person is doing, but I don’t have enough information to judge.”

And of course, speaking ill of someone may feel good by providing a sense of superiority, but clearly it doesn’t send the moral message to your children consistent with other lessons you may provide. That was the case with our family one night around our dinner table when the kids were young teenagers. We were commenting on a person in a way that was less than flattering when our youngest called us out by saying “I don’t think it’s right that we say bad things about them”. Ouch. He declared his morality, which demonstrated that we weren’t living up to the Marr family ideal. Our everyday living example fell short that day.

What’s the goal or purpose behind teaching your children to be gracious? To provide Grace is to withhold judgment and be open to God’s influence. To conclude that an Other is wrong, stupid, or ‘less-than’ is to put oneself as superior. That perspective is hard to hide and doesn’t make lots of friends. Another benefit of providing Grace is that it leaves one with a good sense of self, not inflated or deflated. Accepting someone else and their questionable behavior takes maturity and self-acceptance. In the end, it’s about the capacity to be accepting. And more, Grace is a higher calling. To lift oneself out of judgement and accusation is to be Godly and Other-oriented. Even if your children are too young to know it, giving Grace opens up the likelihood of receiving it.

Lis and Dave

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