Of course, when reading the phrase “making love” one’s mind goes to the act of sex, but as we all know we don’t need love to have sex. Making love is so much more than sex. And, in our assertion here, making love is a dynamic that enhances the family culture well beyond sex into all areas of marital and family life, with a resulting effect of increasing connectedness and intimacy. And, of course, this Letter will have to use stereotypes of male and female sexuality to make any worthwhile point, but they are just that, common stereotypes.

Making love can involve the biology of sex which is often driven by an unequal interplay of hormones, psychology, and culture. And because it’s so complex and important, it takes many years to navigate the nuances of behavioral norms so they become functional, balanced, and lead to relational intimacy. It’s not uncommon in marriages that this topic is one of the big 4 conflicts – sex, money, kids, and respect. Our intention with this Letter is to spark conversations about this dynamic that is often fraught with conflict. Through these conversations we believe it will smooth the transition toward a more enriching harmonious life of love.

The question “What turns you on?” is usually about physical passion. However here we suggest that turning on is about opening up – a visceral receptivity of your partner’s wants and needs that also recognizes actions and intentions in your mate that are positive investments in the relationship and family. Because think of the opposite, not being turned on is being closed off for various nonsexual reasons. If that’s true that our behavior impacts whether our spouse is open or closed, then it makes sense to engage in a process of mutual reciprocation. It’s an agreement to exchange loving actions with each other while looking for similar positive investments from your mate.

Opening up requires an awareness of a few things:

  1. Languages of love: Which primary love languages do you have, and which does your mate have? Are you investing in their love language consistently?
  2. What specific behaviors turn you off and which ones should turn you on? We say should because you may not be recognizing your mate’s loving efforts.
  3. And the reciprocal, what would turn your mate on or off? What’s a fair trade?
  4. Do you need a boost to help opening up? Every marriage starts with less skill than you need to succeed. The speed of skill development depends on openness.

So here’s an example – Stereotypically, let’s say the man wants more sex and the wife wants more engagement around everyday living. Through discussing the 4 points above both parties declare to be invested in having a long satisfying, intimate life together. Therefore, after determining that he is a physical touch and words of affirmation guy and she is a quality time and acts of service gal, they agree to be open – to look for ways to be loving in the other person’s love language. How so?

  • She wants him to help with dinner, cleaning up afterwards, managing his own messes, and help keep the house orderly.
  • He wants her to be clear on when they’re going to “be together” and not spring a “no” at the last minute. He wants her to touch him affectionately in the normal course of being around one another. He wants her to verbalize positive thoughts about him.
  • She doesn’t want to feel that he only wants her body, doesn’t want his physical touch to always have an ulterior motive. She wants to hear positive things as well and wants him to take the initiative in planning date nights, setting up the babysitters, or other family events.

You get the idea. The point here is that the intention is to satisfy the other person so that their cup gets full and thereby generates goodwill that wants to pour out. By being present minded with intention towards specific actions and positive words, it results in reduced frustration and feeds an environment of connectedness and intimacy. Over time, each period of conversation and interaction creates a new level of nuance and discovery to explore which continues for decades to come as life continues to evolve.

The result? Making love is a total life concept. The more love you make, the more love there is to go around… and your children are the prime beneficiaries.

Make love,

Lis and Dave

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