To you fathers:

Father’s Day is a great day. It presents itself as the annual kickoff to the summer where dads and kids can enjoy long days of playing outside deep into the evening warmth. Barbeque weekends showcase dad’s culinary skills with burgers, dogs, and corn on the cob right off the grill. Dad – the anchor in storms, the platform from which to jump in the water, the fountain of goofy laughter, the sun that brings warmth and growth.

There is an ideal to which young and old men aspire – to be that man who embodies the traits of goodness, solidness, character, strength, and wisdom. That fuzzy notion only begins to form an image in the mind when a young man becomes a dad. The motivation to grow up is born with the certain understanding that at some point a child will look up and see the model of how it should be done. With every passing year a child accelerates, dad will have to push a little harder to stay ahead. It’s shocking how quickly time passes and dad’s role morphs from all-knowing god to dad the trusted counselor. But it’s all good. The ideal remains and dad’s family position is respectfully firm under the following important conditions:

  • Dad must nurture a loving growing intimate relationship with mom. There will be lots of issues to resolve – parenting, sex, money, in-laws, leadership, spiritual, etc. – but conflict doesn’t mean animosity. Pull weeds and water the garden. 
  • Dad must avoid the hypocrisies of life as much as possible. If a child can’t use crude language, then that applies to all. If kids can’t use their cell phones during dinner, ditto. If children are to help around the house, then it’s a family thing. And importantly, “Can-do” optimism is caught, not taught. 
  • Dad must be trustworthy. Showing up on time says, “I value you”. Drinking moderately says, “I stay in control”. Making humor positive and not biting says, “Your impressionable psyche is safe with me.”
  • Dad must cheerlead the family identity. “We are Marrs. We tell the truth, try our best, are respectful to others, have faith and optimism that all outcomes are the best outcomes, that we are best friends, and that there is a God and He is a personal God interested in our well-being.” 

Father’s Day is a day set aside to honor one’s father for who he is, for all his qualities too numerous to list, for the sacrifices he’s made and the ones yet to be made. There is an ideal there, an essence of Dad that can’t be substituted. That dadness is planted deep in the hearts of children and can only be painstakingly uprooted by lack of attention to the above conditions. 

Importantly, very importantly, is the idea of “re-parenting”. Dads have had dads of their own. That mixed bag of generations gone by could be a cause for dysfunctional “sins of the father visited to the third and fourth generation”. Re-parenting is a decisional shift away from being a child victim and being one’s own man, evaluating past generation grievances and promising to do a better job. Father’s Day is the day to declare “the blessings of the father” going forward.

To you young dads, the ideal of you being the standard by which all other men are evaluated is a real thing. Your daughters will marry men who resonate your qualities. Your sons will emulate you in ways that will surprise you. 

Be the ideal.

Happy Father’s Day, men.

Dave (and Lis) Marr