As parents, it is our challenging job to provide the language that our children will use to form their thinking. If we use constructive words in our encouragement, then they will grow with that language in the development of their character.
Here are 2 concepts that have helped our children develop their internal thoughts that affect their motivations, work ethic, and the challenges of the teen years.
Good, Better, Best
This concept works with little kids as young as 3, but continues all through life. It has to do with effort. Most kids throughout school will put down on paper the first thing they think of and call it good enough and move on to something else. And it’ll probably will be good…enough. But it’s clearly not their best work. Fulfilling chores like cleaning their room falls into the same level of effort. We started this idea when the kids were in elementary school, so we’ve been able to watch the concept in action and seen it evolve over the years.
In each instance, whether homework, chores, practicing the piano, or communication with siblings, we’d ask them if that was their best effort. We’d review different aspects of how they might improve on it, then send them back to the task. After a frustrating while, they’d return and we would discuss it some more. In other words, there were at least 2 drafts (a good one and a better one) before the final work. The long term consequence was that our children came to understand that our family put forth our best effort in all areas of life, and for our family that strategy worked out quite well. Through these exercises they would come to understand the “feeling” of a job well done, and own that accomplishment, when their hard work was rewarded either by a good grade on schoolwork or the positive feedback from mom and dad. Please remember that the feedback was always on effort, not outcome.
Quit – Endeavor – Persevere – Transcend Spectrum
When too much effort is required, young children quit. The key to developing character is to get them to try just a little bit and praise that effort. When they face a daunting challenge, you try to get them to not retreat, to not quit. Sports, homework, cleaning their room all seems too big for them sometimes, so they emotionally fall down and stop trying, hoping for rescue. Of course, it’s important to encourage them to not give up. Every step they hang in there is a step away from quitting and a step toward building character. They might not get very far in their effort as they learn to endeavor.
When our kids were young, we encouraged them to take piano lessons. Learning to read music and play an instrument is a new language that is difficult. We knew they weren’t going to be Mozart, but we wanted them to have that education. It was often a struggle to get them to keep at it since it was hard for them to see how their hard work would be a benefit to them – this is where mom and dad’s perspective and positive encouragements are important. So like above, we asked them to not quit, but endeavor, to hunker down and keep after it. The lesson ended up being about hanging in there rather than about learning the piano. We praised them for their effort, for not quitting, but endeavoring.
When it comes to things the kids actually have aptitude for, we asked them to persevere. Just like endeavoring, we encouraged them to not quit when it was hard, certainly, but we didn’t want them to just sit there and take it. We wanted them to push through the difficulty. To persevere you must progress through the difficulty. Sports is the best example. It takes time and practice to get good at anything. It should be fun, but fun is subjective. Soccer takes running and learning to dribble and pass. Basketball…yup, running and dribbling. Lacrosse…you get the idea. You want it to be fun, but fun sometimes is on the other side of effort. It gets more fun the better they get at the skills. So you ask them to persevere. They aren’t quitters, of course. They don’t just endure the pain. No, to go from being good to being their best, they must persevere until they have learned the skill well enough to play. This mental ladder helps kids understand more clearly that they are working toward a higher level. It develops their character. And, once they’re playing and having fun, they’ve transcended the difficulty (for this age and event). By introducing this language in your family, you’ll build character that will pay amazing dividends.
One of the most challenging aspect of parenting is molding your children’s motivations and character. By introducing these simple concepts into your family conversation now, and encouraging their efforts along the way – (age appropriately) you’ll be able to come back to them time and time again. The idea is to help them develop an internal language of effort and excellence.
To your family’s well-being.
Lis and Dave Marr