Everyone has been or will be wronged. They will be slightly offended or grievously injured with every degree and variation in between, from strangers and worst from intimates. It is part of the human state. It’s set up that way where imperfect people with imperfect information with limited time, limited resources, and limited maturity act out, make choices, and cause harm. Some do it deliberately, most inadvertently. Humans bump and bruise their way into adulthood where, one hopes, maturity takes over and unintentional harm decreases. Without the ability to Forgive, mankind would be solitary wanderers unable to form alliances with trusted partners in a common cause.
There is a kind of vibe you get from people who don’t write misdeeds on their heart. They don’t store up wrongs. Their spirit is full of mercy and grace, and so you can imagine, their life reflects back to them that blessing. Conversely, the feeling you get when someone is offended when none is intended, and they harbor ill will, often silently. The relationship is strained or broken and the reasons are unspoken. Those who don’t forgive can live a tormented lonely life.
Forgiveness is not a gift you give someone, it’s a gift you give yourself. The Bible speaks of Forgiveness 81 times.
In Matthew 18:21:
Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy times seven.”
Mahatma Gandhi said,
“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
Teaching your children about Forgiveness isn’t hard. You’ll have ample opportunities in each stage of life. As a parent, when your child has been wronged by a sibling, it’s pretty easy to see both sides and create the proper exchange between the two:
Mom: “Stevie, why did you hit Joey?”
Stevie: “He called me a poo poo head.”
Mom: “Joey, did you call Stevie a poo poo head?”
Joey: “Yes. Because he took my toy!”
Mom: “Regardless of him taking your toy, calling him names isn’t acceptable. Apologize and ask for Stevie for forgiveness.”
Joey: “Stevie, I am sorry for calling you a name. I apologize. Will you forgive me?
Mom: “Joey, did you mean it?”
Joey: “Yes.”
Mom: “Stevie, not only did you take his toy, but you hit him. How do you feel about that?”
Stevie: “Bad.”
Mom: “You need to apologize. Joey is your brother, and you are best friends. You’ll be best friends your whole life.”
Stevie: “Joey, I am sorry for taking your toy. I should have asked you for it. And I’m really sorry I hit you. I apologize. Will you forgive me?”
Joey: “Yes, I forgive you.”
Stevie: “I forgive you too.”
Sound fake? Like no two brothers would ever do this? They would if you walked them through it and it became the family norm when conflict erupts. Sometimes it takes a little time for emotions to calm down, but the spirit of reconciliation and the desire to get back to being best friends will win out.
But when someone outside the family causes offense, it’s easy to call in the militia and circle protection around your child. Don’t rob your child of the blessing that comes with conflict, tears, discussion, forgiveness, and reconciliation. Maybe it doesn’t work out perfectly, but your child needs that experience. And maybe you might as well.
Both Jesus’ and Gandhi’s quotes equate forgiveness with strength. It takes tiny steps to learn to clean the heart of the negativity of retribution. Self-worth is often at stake. But affirming the child, brainstorming the offender’s perspective, and working on letting go of the hurt is the path to strength.
To your child’s positive buoyant heart unburdened by life’s occasional conflicts,
Lis and Dave Marr