There is a door that when open allows mom and dad into the inner sanctum of a child’s heart. It’s a place of intimacy and love, trust and acceptance, a place of goodwill and harmony. But when that door is closed, there can be confusion and anger, accusation, and resentment, and often a place of mistrust and discord. A child’s heart is a delicate thing that evolves with the seasons of life. What starts as an open door sometimes closes to parental access for reasons that are not clear. And so, teaching the Virtue of Harmony can strengthen the relationship between parents and child during the transition years.

 

A father came to us recently straining to understand the change that had recently overtaken his beautiful young daughter. She had transitioned from a loving, open hearted little girl into a slightly frustrated teenager whose communication style had added unwelcome snarky responses, a hint of sullen disposition, and a strong desire to connect with friends at the expense of family time. Communication with her no longer went in unguarded, but often hit a closed door of teenage judgment. It felt like the parents were talking AT her and gone were the days of unfiltered harmony when their daughter’s door was always open. In other words, their daughter was becoming a teenager.

 

But does that mean their only option is to wait till this phase passes in 10 or more years and maturity finally results in appreciation of her parents’ loving relationship? Just because it’s so common doesn’t mean it’s inevitable. Teenage angst, rebellion, and spiritual/emotional independence aren’t certainties.

Harmony in family is like harmony in music – it is the pleasing arrangement of parts that create balance and calm. A young person must learn to harmonize with people in order to find life, love, and meaning. The best place to practice this virtue is in the family.

 

“If you were all alone in the universe with no one to talk to, no one with which to share the beauty of the stars, to laugh with, to touch, what would be your purpose in life? It is other life, it is love, which gives your life meaning. This is harmony. We must discover the joy of each other, the joy of challenge, the joy of growth.”  Mitsugi Saotome AIKIDO INSTRUCTOR, AUTHOR

But how do you open the door of the heart to bring this notion of harmony in for her to practice? Here are some thoughts:

  • A teenager hasn’t been tucked into bed in years. Rejuvenate this practice. Often the parents go to bed earlier than the teenager, but 1 night a week, make it a regular event. A time of non-conflict to bond and reestablish that “no one on this planet loves you more than we do, not your friends, no one.”
  • Dads would be particularly effective with daughters and moms with sons. During this time a good technique is to ‘futurecast’ – “I can hear you as a 25-year-old young woman calling back to me saying ‘Dad, tell her to stay connected to the family. Tell her that her friends are just as fearful of the future as she is. Tell her that this time she’s going through will end and her hormones will stabilize, peer pressure will diminish, school will be fun again, and mom and dad will be with her always.’” This message and this time will be remembered always.
  • When discussing freedoms, here is an effective thought: “Everything you are asking for I want to give you. I am on your side. Things you don’t even know about and haven’t even asked for, I want for you. But it’s just about timing. I’m not denying you. I just want to make sure that the things you want today are right for today. You’ll get there.”
  • Memorize this verse and explain to your child that they should too. It can become a common reference point in future discussions. This passage, and the many discussions around it, is a key to a locked heart.

“Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if there is any virtue, if there’s anything praiseworthy, meditate on these things.”  Philippians 4:8

 

  • Couch Time maybe was put in the closet years ago. Dust it off. Life has become more complicated and it’s probably not just your teenager. Creating calm in the storm as a unified team will ultimately pay you beyond what you can imagine. If you add prayer, then expect even more.

Ultimately the point in the Virtue of Harmony is that each voice is heard and appreciated. Childhood was a simple time. Hormones have entered the picture. The brain is developing awareness and sensitivities among peers. Pecking orders are being established. Freedoms and boundaries are newly being negotiated. The outside world and all its complications are rushing into the home. Be the calm. Demonstrate calm. Teach calm. By investing in your child’s heart with the virtue of harmony, you are highlighting a maturing tool for your child to prioritize inside-the-home values over outside-the-home attractions and uncertainties.

 

May peace and harmony fill your family life,

 

Lis and Dave Marr

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