Children make mistakes. Just like when a toddler learns to walk, by leaning too far one direction then too far another, they learn balance. It’s during those countless “mistakes” of not getting balance exactly right that they learn to balance. A child has getting up and falling down experiences that supply a massive amount of information about gravity and strength. Then back and forth with use of hips and toes. Then staggering and eventually running. Failure teaches lots about the laws of physics. Think about all that information going into your child’s psyche about how to balance under all kinds of circumstances. And none of it is part of their verbal brain. It’s all intrinsic. That is a good analogy when shaping your child’s moral character.
The key features of this analogy are mistakes under all kinds of circumstances and consequences. Mistakes made under the laws of physics which provides quick learning opportunities to adjust. When a baby learns to walk under the loving observation of a parent, the consequences of mistakes are small stepping stones to the goal of independence. That carries the analogy further – loving observation on the way to independence.
Balance, as it pertains to moral character, can be described as a clean heart. For example, a child will make non-moral mistakes, like accidentally spilling a glass of milk. And they’ll make moral mistakes, like expressing their frustration by throwing a toy at a sibling. In the first circumstance, a parent shouldn’t reinforce the natural guilt that arises when a child spills milk. A child is learning how to orient themselves in time and space so parental instruction should be reasonable, “Sweetie, when you set your glass down, you need to remember where you put it. Now please go clean it up.”
However, if a child violates the norms of family identity – safety, honesty, trust, self-control, and otherness – then corrective consequences should provide important family identity information so the child can clean their heart and get back in balance. Feeling guilty is a natural consequence arising from personal error. A parent shouldn’t enhance it nor dismiss it when it’s appropriate to feel guilty. But a parent should allow it to exist in the heart of a child as a natural consequence of error so that it may be cleaned out as a balancing mechanism. Guilt is cleaned out of the heart by genuine contrition through apology.
For example, when a child is frustrated and throws a toy, they have stepped well outside of the family’s norms for moral behavior. Let’s say a game gets out of hand and one child accuses the other of cheating. An argument ensues and the result is a thrown toy. Look at all the circumstance of playing a game – playing according to rules, playing with a sibling, power imbalance among siblings, recognizing frustration, appropriate behavior when frustration exists, using words, seeking a referee, including family identity about finding relational harmony – these are all situational variables that practically require mistakes to be made in order to understand how all this works. A parent should be relieved when mistakes are made so that all these variables can be assimilated into their child’s moral balance. Of course, it’s training through early mistakes that keeps mistakes later in life from becoming life changing.
Here’s a hypothetical situation – Once the parent figures out what’s happened (after all the back and forth questioning and answering) the result might look like this:
Parent: “Kevin, you think Shelli cheated and that frustrated you. You thought she was wrong and was being mean. We are the Marr family and we don’t throw things at people. Just because you’re upset with Shelli right now, doesn’t mean you don’t love her. She is your best friend. You’ll be best friends your whole life. Now, what do you say?”
Kevin: “Shelli, I apologize. I was wrong to throw the toy at you. I should have asked you why you did that so you could explain. I was wrong to lose control of my temper before talking with you. Will you forgive me?
Parent: “Shelli, before you answer, tell me whether you knew if your actions would frustrate your brother? Because you are older, you have a greater responsibility to play fair and not manipulate him into frustration. Remember, you two are best friends. Is this the way you treat your best friend? What do you say?”
Shelli: “Kevin, I accept your apology and of course forgive you. I too apologize because I wasn’t thinking about you and just having fun. I wanted to win and for a moment didn’t think about how me playing extra hard would cause you to feel. I apologize. Will you forgive me?
Kevin: “I accept your apology and of course forgive you.”
Ok, maybe this is an adult version ideal, but the elements are there. Moral balance towards independent existence is built on such exchanges. Countless interactions over many years, reinforced by loving parental feedback and consequences, and role playing, provides the information necessary to understand the moral balance of right behavior. The key here? Family identity built on safety, honesty, trust, self-control, and otherness. These elements are derived from God’s moral laws.
To learning moral balance through mistakes and genuine apologies,
Lis and Dave Marr