Communication is when the thoughts, ideas, and emotions within a person are effectively re-created in understanding within another person. Perfect communication would be a 1:1 event which rarely occurs, particularly in exchanges with children. Using words, for example, a parent would ask a child “Bring me the small red ball” out of numerous colored balls of differing sizes. And if the child sorted through and picked out the small red ball and brought it to mommy, then you could see that understanding within the child occurred. If the child brought an orange ball, then you’d correct the error in understanding with more training. Or if he brought the big one …and so on. You can see there’s an internal lexicon that takes a while to create. “Red” “Small” and “Ball” take years to differentiate among all the other choices. An internal dictionary of meaning develops over a lifetime. It never stops, should never stop.

Now “red” is largely unambiguous. There are nuanced variations on the red theme, but most people won’t quibble about calling maroon a red. Therefore, communication, a meeting of the minds, is more likely to occur about physical objects or events than when it’s about intangible concepts or internal states, like emotions. In these, the variations are more significant, and interpretation of understanding is largely subjective.

When the child brings the big red ball instead of the small one, would you chastise the effort and have them go to their room? That’s ridiculous, of course not. You’d lovingly provide more instruction and encouragement because you know their understanding, the development of their capability, is still in the formative stage. Keep this analogy in mind.

Now when your child brings you a big red D on their math quiz when you know they are capable of A’s and he says to your inquiry “It was hard” and walks away. How do you react? Obviously, something is going on. Or if your daughter comes home from middle school sulking and you ask what’s going on and she responds, “You wouldn’t understand” with a firm shutting of her door. Something is going on. Or your 12-year-old newly pubescent child reacts with disrespectful tones to a request to clean up their room. Something is going on.

Yes, something is going on. They are learning more nuances to the language of life. And it’s frustrating in that it’s so much more complicated than learning ‘small red ball’. Do they realize that this external/internal situation is nothing more than a step along the path toward maturity? Not likely. That’s your role, to provide context for them without a red-faced reaction to their current state of emotional learning. Instead, whatever is going on “to” them is more a function of what’s going on “through” them and that’s an important distinction they don’t understand. Their brain is still developing, their hormones are starting to surge, their social power structure and all the group dynamics thereabouts are storming, forming, and norming. And all of that is problematic, confusing, scary, and often frustrating. What they lack is perspective, and that’s the platform from which you parent. The better you are at communicating perspectives, having them understand more of what you understand, the more open-spirited your child will be with you. It’s not just about you providing knowledge, it’s mostly about helping them mentally and emotionally arrange the education life is providing into useful understanding.

What kind of perspectives should you provide?

  • First and foremost is a full explanation of your relationship – why you continuously provide guidance, firm and fair rails on their behavior, and rules of the road on how to treat one another.
  • Second is an explanation of life’s processes towards maturity and independence and how the current situation is a blessing.
  • Third are the family identity principles that you live by – trust, honesty, self-control, patience, perseverance, and more.
  • Fourth is explaining how openness of mind and spirit enhance relationships, life’s experiences, and allows solutions to flow. And lastly,
  • Safety without judgement is an affirming grace that whatever is truly going on, your assessment will be pro-child. You may provide consequences, not to be punitive, but because loving guidance provides both praiseand

This Letter is about how to engage with a child who is shutting you out. The above is a framework for our thoughts as we provide a deeper dive into these perspectives in the following weeks. However, and importantly, there are issues this Letter does not contemplate – medical issues, ADHD type issues, and more substantial mental problems. Those factors are beyond what we can discuss here.

Teenagers are incredible blessings. The complexities of life are just beginning for them. In this life stage, sometimes those complexities are uncomfortable because it involves difficult subjects like time with friends, freedom to have fun, drinking, porn and masturbation and the shame thereof, and the multitude of your parental shortcomings. Their emotional and intellectual dictionary is limited. Your perspectives, like with the request for the small red ball, may take some practice on your part to see that they’re on their way to mastering this complex skill of internal and external communication.

Enjoy this stage. It’s awesome, but short.

Lis and Dave Marr

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Fall Parenting Seminar Series – Each 2-week session will explore a new topic that will equip and encourage parents with practical insights and tools. 

Wednesdays starting 10/12, 6:15 – 8:00pm – Hosted @ Cherry Hills Community Church – In Person- Free Childcare is available!

More info & registration: https://onefamilyhwl.org/event/fall-seminars-2022/