“You’ve got a bad attitude” Dave’s dad would say. He apparently looked at the facial expression, the demeanor, and behavior and determined that Dave wasn’t measuring up to some standard he had. That clearly was the takeaway, not measuring up. But what was the standard? What was the attitude supposed to look like? And by declaring a “bad attitude”, what was Dave to do differently? It was never made clear.

Kevin, our son, was a quiet teenager. Unlike his siblings, Kevin was an internal processor whose verbal skills ran behind the level of his understanding. He deduced things he couldn’t label with words. Kevin struggled with Dave’s style. Dave was outspoken to which Kevin repeatedly took offense. When Dave sought to teach or engage or just get Kevin’s perspective, it was increasingly met with a minimal response.

One technique Dave used to bring Kevin out more had mixed results. In trying to improve communication, Dave asked Kevin to repeat what he was saying in the opening of a conversation. Kevin would have to repeat – “What you said was…”. Initially, Dave just wanted Kevin to just repeat it back, so he knew he was listening and understood. Later, he asked Kevin to paraphrase it. The unintended consequence of this, by Kevin’s later feedback, was it was demeaning. Kevin thought it treated him like a child. Dave’s intent was to get him to capture the point, digest it, and be able to repeat it back. A difficult skill. The effort created a wedge between the two. What Dave didn’t do was provide context, an understanding of what he was doing and why. Dave had a view of Kevin’s ability to understand that differed from Kevin’s view of himself which made the technique an actual hindrance to opening the channel of communication.

Ironically, one of Dave’s complaints about his own upbringing was that very issue, his dad didn’t take the time to ask where Dave saw things. He didn’t get the increasingly necessary agreement from Dave to speak into his life. Dave’s dad assumed, rightly, that he knew more than Dave about whatever it was. However, incorrectly, he treated Dave as if he were incapable of seeing two sides to a situation and was not developing an independent mind. And so, Dave, like his son Kevin a generation later, started to close himself off by withholding himself from his parents.

Times of non-conflict are important opportunities to restore relationships and bring forward context. “Hey bud, I know we had some tension yesterday, but I want you to know how deeply I love you. I’d like to share how I see what happened yesterday and get your thoughts. Does that work for you?” Although the differing love languages can facilitate the message (quality time, acts of service, physical touch, maybe gifts), the ultimate goal is to appeal to their reasoning. You’re teaching them to identify thoughts and emotions and put words to them. By you providing words to their internal processes, you are demonstrating that you understand.

For example, let’s say you’ve put a consequence in place thereby causing your daughter frustration. She is struggling with the decision of this unfair restriction. In her emotional state of anger, she wants to fight back. A defense she can own is to close off and thereby punish you. By letting the moment cool and coming to her a day or so later, you can offer to explain.

A Feedback Sandwich is best – a compliment, feedback, a compliment. “Sweetheart, you are the most open-hearted person and such a joy to be with, I love you so much. Yesterday, we had that argument. And in it you struggled with your dad’s and my decision. I could see it made you frustrated and that frustration turned to anger. Anger can lead a person down an ugly path in their head. It’s ok to be angry, certainly. But keep your spirit open, it’s what makes you so beautiful. An open spirit is when your heart and mind are loving and accepting. Even when you’re frustrated and angry, stay open. No one loves you more than your dad and me. And that’s why all this is taking place.” The Feedback Sandwich is powerful.

The goal here is communicating, reaching a meeting of the minds, to someone whose mind is in early days of adult development. Just because they’re big doesn’t mean they’re mature, which seems obvious but is easy to forget. By helping them understand the context of your thinking, maybe understanding your back story, understanding where they are and where they are going – “hey, being responsible with your homework and room tells me you may be responsible with a car next year.”

If you can open up a space in regular intervals where you can help them deal with the increasing complexity of their life, you can hopefully get them to reveal the deeper concerns that plague today’s youth. Asserting and appealing that it’s better to be on the family team than go it alone. And, as always, being open to their feedback on how you can improve your communication style with them so you’re not pushing their buttons. And then reaching agreement on how you can modify your style that works for you both. This can boost communications for generations!

It’s a challenging time to be the parent of a teenager, smart phones and social media make it harder. Hang in there. It goes faster than you think.

Blessings upon blessings to you,

Lis and Dave Marr

Part one of Communicating with a Closed Child & Part two of Communicating with a Closed Child, along with all our Tuesday Letters, are available on our website.

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Fall Parenting Seminar Series – Each 2-week session will explore a new topic that will equip and encourage parents with practical insights and tools. 

Wednesdays, 6:15 – 8:00pm – Hosted @ Cherry Hills Community Church – In Person- Free Childcare is available!

  • October 12/October 19 – Protecting the Innocence of Childhood
  • October 26/November 2 – Screenagers: Parenting in the Digital Age
  • November 9/November 16 – Understanding and Parenting the Temperaments

More info & registration: https://onefamilyhwl.org/event/fall-seminars-2022/