In talking with a dad of two boys, ages 9 and 7, he proudly told me the story of how his boys overcame adversity this past weekend. He had volunteered to be their basketball coach and, as such, was faced with corralling boys and girls into some sort of team, teach them some skills, and identify various positive qualities within each of them over the course of the season. It’s not about winning.
The season was down to the last game and, for the youngest boy, his team hadn’t won a game. The best player on the team was going to be absent. So the coach-dad talked about that with his son, “Bobby is going to be gone for the last game. He’s our best scorer. Do you think you can step in for him and score?” The boy hadn’t shot but maybe 5 times all season. “Yeah, I think so” he responded. “Ok, well, you know that the best NBA players only make about 50% of the shots they take. And you guys, on your best day, only make about 40%. So, if you want to score 10 points, how many shots do you have to take?” the dad prodded. “A lot” came the reply. “That’s right. You need to shoot a lot of shots and you’ll miss most of them. But if you practice, you’ll make a bunch too.” “So you think I should practice?” asked the boy? “If you want to score 10 points.”
So his son practiced. And practiced and practiced. All told, maybe 6 hours over the week. And sure enough, come game day, he shot the ball…and missed. He shot again. And missed. And missed again. And again. With tears in his eyes, frustration welling up, he approached his dad. And his dad reminded him that the best players on their best days miss a lot of shots. And so, he went out there on the court and gave it his best again. And there his effort and persistence paid off. He made a shot! And then another. And another. He made 6 shots in a row, leading his team in scoring and on to their first win of the year.
Of course, this is a feel-good story for the boy, the father, and for me who revels in this kind of effort and character triumph. But the real takeaway is the father’s gentle hand leading his son to discovery, to character development, to ownership of effort and consequences. The real takeaway is the father suspending his own list of urgent tasks, overcoming the hassles of organized sports, parental non-involvement, and engaging in his sons’ lives. The dad didn’t know jack about how to coach a kid’s basketball team, but that was small potatoes compared to being there for his boys. He said during the story telling, “It goes so fast. I don’t want to miss it.”
Spiritual leadership isn’t some narrow view of going to church, reading the Bible, or leading family prayer. Those activities are important too, of course. But if it is only about those things, then the big picture is missed. Being the spiritual leader of the family is about making God’s existence alive. A dad isn’t the family leader just because of his position in the family; a dad is a leader because of how he expresses the principles of life. Loving your wife is an expression of loving the family and teaches everyone in it what love looks like. Children can only understand what God’s love might be relative to how they experience mom and dad’s love. A dad being engaged in developing a child to their highest potential leads a child to grow within the safety and security of relationship. That opens the door to how a relationship might flourish with God.
A dad who coaches his child’s sports team offers his child a view of engagement as long as the dad demonstrates qualities himself that leads by example. Conversely, there’s the game of the older boy which demonstrated how a father shouldn’t lead. It was the championship game and it got rough. You know where this is going. Yes, there was no one kid who started it, and there were lots of fouls, some of which were called by the ref. Naturally the game got out of hand. The parents started yelling. This is an 11-year-olds “championship” game mind you. Spiritual leadership was scarce. Then as the final seconds of overtime were about to wind down, with my friend’s team up 2, his player aggressively pursued a ball and knocked into one of the kids on the other team. In doing so, a courtside parent jumped up and chest bumped the kid. An 11-year-old boy!! With 5 seconds remaining the in game, the coach on the other team objects to excessive contact and withdraws from the game. He quit!! This expression of spiritual maturity will echo into the future of his family.
We (Lis and Dave, Shelly and Rich) have been participants in several panel discussions over the years where moms submit their questions. The most common question at the top of the list is – “How can I get my husband to be the spiritual leader of the family?”. This letter steps partially into that question. We don’t attempt to fully answer it here. What we are saying is – be clear on your definition of spiritual leader. If it’s just using traditional religious behavior as the yardstick, then as we said earlier, it might be too narrow. Consider the idea that demonstrating spiritual maturity and engaging in the development of each family member is good enough for this era of life. Things change and maybe later it will be different and include prayer, Bible and church. But for now, an engaged dad who develops the family is a great dad to have.
To great dads!!
Blessings,
Lis and Dave Marr
As we head into summer, we are excited to offer several online workshops and classes to help equip, encourage and sustain you throughout all the seasons in your parenting journey!
https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/
Starting 6/9 – Parenting Toddlerhood Transitions ( 5 online Zoom classes) – Evenings after the kiddos are down – https://toddler-june-2022.eventbrite.com -Toddlerhood (18 months to about 4 years of age) is a period of amazing, spontaneous, engaging, yet challenging time for children and parents. This class provides practical and relevant concepts that parents can apply right away and address structure, routine, conflict, instruction, encouragement and correction.
1 hr Monthly Parenting Workshops – https://2022-summer-wrkshps.eventbrite.com – June 26 (Temperaments) & July 24 we will be presenting a 1 hour parenting workshop to offer Moms and Dads some practical insights related to their parenting. Each month we will explore a new topic that will equip and encourage us in our parenting journey.
Parenting Toward Adulthood (Bilingual Option) – 6/29 @ 8:30pm MT – https://pta-bilingual-2022.eventbrite.com – Presented in English with Spanish simulcast Zoom option, this course will provide parents with some practical tools and concepts to help them lead by their parental influence, grow in a trusting relationship and for the transition of a child leaving home.