Another basketball story. The two brothers, ages 11 and 9, are close. They homeschool together, live well south of the Metro area in rural Colorado. But like brothers, they occasionally compete and tussle, make up and have fun. These two are probably best friends now and will remain so the rest of their lives. But that isn’t a foregone conclusion. Their competition and jealousies could expand and get out of hand; their hard feelings remain unresolved and wedged between them; their emotional separations grow instead of being smoothed over and matured. That’s where good parenting comes in.
The last basketball story showed the triumph of persistence where the younger boy practiced all week with the desire to score lots of points. He overcame early insecurity and frustration of missed shots to lead the team in scoring (12) and on to their lone victory of the season. A huge win for the young boy.
The older brother watched the game and instead of being excited for his little brother, increasingly began to sulk. Instead of sharing in the joy and selflessly letting his brother shine in the moment, he moped and became self-absorbed. He was jealous.
Dad noticed. He pulled the older child aside and asked, “What’s up?”
With a creaky voice the older sibling murmured, “I want to score a lot of points.”
“I see. But you aren’t a guard. It isn’t your role to score. You’re tall. You’re the one who gets rebounds both on defense and on offense. You’re playing in the championship today because you and all your teammates play your roles well.”
“Yeah, I know” he continued to sulk.
“Furthermore, your little brother worked his butt off and really had a great game. He deserves to feel good, and also deserves to have the focus on him. What he doesn’t deserve is to have you steal his moment with this attitude. Do you think he would be happy for you if you had a great game?”
“Yes.”
“Absolutely he would. He would be thrilled for you. Listen, this is on you. I know you love your brother, but this isn’t loving. This is selfish. Now, what are you going to do?
“I’m going to apologize and then congratulate him.”
“That’s my boy.”
Children can just as easily be best friends as they can be nothing more than housemates that came from the same family. Dad’s guidance is a key guardrail to growing into a mature relationship with a sibling. This example was about two boys and likely is less complex to resolve than if it were about two girls. But regardless of the combination, Dad’s wisdom goes into the depths of a child’s psyche. Dad is indispensable and proves so by providing a calm rationale for life’s issues. Dad is the family spiritual leader by exhibiting a higher order of personal maturity.
Children, at least until puberty, are nature/nurture facsimiles of their parents, for good or otherwise. The above example obviously doesn’t stand alone. This dad demonstrates daily how to invest in relationship, with the boys, with the mom, with friends and community. What he’s doing here is tying his son’s complex internal life to what he sees modeled by his parents. The Dad is facilitating the intellectual connection between the outside world and the private inside world, leading his son to make value judgements on what kind of life he wants in relationships and how to nurture them. That’s leadership.
If we were to throw out an age of when dads take on ownership of “Dad the Family Leader” instead of just “Dad the Provider” or just “Dad the Playmate”, we’d roughly say around 35. Some earlier, some never. The transition into maturity coincides with the maturing of the family. Dad’s strengths are needed more now than earlier. To say that children are facsimiles of mom and dad is true. That is why it’s so important to be intentional about the primary relationship (the marriage) and the parenting that flows from it. To invest in the original picture with meaningful and rich content, that is the source of clarity to the faxed child’s life. That’s why lessons of life and truth should be pursued by surrounding the family in quality community and layers of spiritual depth. Lots to unpack there.
Though we don’t know you personally, we pray for your marriage and family because your success is our success.
Many blessings,
Lis and Dave Marr
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This summer, we are excited to offer several online workshops and classes to help equip, encourage and sustain you throughout all the seasons in your parenting journey!
https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/
1 hr Monthly Parenting Workshops – https://2022-summer-wrkshps.eventbrite.com
- June 26 – Parenting the Temperaments
- July 24 – Establishing Core Family Values
Throughout the summer we will be presenting a 1 hour parenting workshop to offer Moms and Dads some practical insights related to their parenting. Each month we will explore a new topic that will equip and encourage us in our parenting journey.
Parenting Toward Adulthood (Bilingual Option) – 6/29 @ 8:30pm MT – https://pta-bilingual-2022.eventbrite.com – Presented in English with Spanish simulcast Zoom option, this course will provide parents with some practical tools and concepts to help them lead by their parental influence, grow in a trusting relationship and for the transition of a child leaving home.
Starting 8/3 @ 7pm MT – Parenting the Middle Years 7-13yrs (5 online zoom classes) – https://onefamilyhwl.org/event/middle-years/ – Life in the Middle Years provides parents practical parenting strategies as you and your child prepare for the teen years.