In the last 2 installments of Dad the Spiritual Leader, we attempted to introduce the notion that spiritual leadership isn’t just adherence to traditional notions of going to church, reading the Bible, and leading the family in prayer. Rather, an engaged Dad should get major credit for living out Biblical principles when fully engaging with each member of the family and taking on the responsibility of his role. The last bit of part 2 left you to unpack this idea. The basketball Dad was nurturing his boys in a very Biblical way even though God didn’t enter the conversation. Here are some more thoughts on the matter.
Yes, but. “If a husband and dad were to go to church, read the Bible, and pray with the family, wouldn’t that lead to greater family harmony and well-being?” a wife might ask. Mmm, Maybe. Probably. But first consider underlying aspects.
For the last 50 years society has actively been promoting women which was long overdue and necessary. But over the last 30+ years, in lifting women there has been a determined effort to undermine the value of men. Men have been characterized as doofuses, sex hungry predators, and stereotyped pre-rage adolescents whose fragile psyche is ready to blow at the least provocation. This “Toxic Masculinity” characterization continues to be media and political messaging despite the fact that women have become the dominant gender in higher education and well established in upper managements. Young boys and adult boys have heard the message continuously their entire lives that they are a waste of clothes and if it weren’t for their necessary biological contribution, they’d be cast aside altogether. Too many sitcoms and commercials represent men as intellectually and morally inferior.
As a result, we believe, males have fallen in self-esteem. The media-driven stereotypical male is a day laboring beast of burden who loves TGIF freedoms and endless sessions of porn, drugs, sports, or Warcraft III: Reign of Chaos. In other words, the general sense is many young men have disengaged from a world that finds them irresponsible and less than worthy. Isn’t it beyond debate that because so many men have fulfilled this lowly image and withdrawn from engaging in life, women have fewer choices when it comes time to finding a quality man?
The comprehensive societal accusation of “Toxic Masculinity” has outgunned the individual man. There hasn’t been a coordinated response to defend and support our boys against this insidious brainwashing. Gone are the old movies where men are heroic defenders of women, goodness, truth, and justice. We believe boys need to be molded into men of character from the beginning. “Heroic Masculinity”, as Benjamin Pacini so aptly articulates in a terrific piece entitled, “The Case for Heroic Masculinity” (https://publicsquaremag.org/sexuality-family/generational/the-case-for-heroic-masculinity/) is a phrase that pushes back on the idea that men are inherent wastrels. He rightly asserts that the notion of toxicity is juvenile adolescence in character. It’s not an inherent male trait, but an expression of immaturity. Men of character are not toxic and can be, should be, masculine.
The idea of growing up and owning responsibility for your actions is a slow process for most. It’s typical that children emotionally rebel when graduating from elementary, middle, and high school leaving behind the known freedoms for a world with unknown responsibility. That rebellion is human nature. Handling the psychological weight of owning responsibilities takes time. And if men don’t start carrying the weight of responsibility till later in life, then, when it’s time to step up, they might not have it in them. This is one element of why the marriage rate is lower and the divorce rate is higher. Males have been treated like slow-witted, irresponsible, amoral children. When pushed to act like an adult, the psychological tendency is to push away from freedom-robbing activities rather than embrace the substance-building activities of life. Then, are we to conclude that men are victims to society’s brainwashing? No, of course not. No victims, just understanding.
Now to the question about traditional spiritual leadership. Taking on more responsibility and leadership, because of someone else’s desire, isn’t intuitive. Men, like women, should be honored and encouraged to their best selves. Yes, attending church, reading the Bible, and family prayer would likely lead to a longer, healthier, wealthier, and happier life. If only we could act on behaviors we know are in our best interest. Even Apostle Paul lamented, “I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.” Romans 7:15-20. (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Romans%207%3A15-20&version=NIV)
If women want their husbands to be more substantial men leading the family in traditional spiritual ways, a positive long-range approach is best. Cheerleading and honoring, discussing and understanding, loving and coming along side is the better path than suffering through his perceived inadequacies. Both men and women must lead in their roles, shaping their union to reflect the best values of the family that are currently available at this time. Dad the Spiritual Leader may need help in filling in holes of self-worth that society has undermined.
This message may be a bit on the heavy side to read, however, we hope that it helps guide marital conversations around fulfilling one another’s needs and desires. Women want spiritual engagement. Men want comprehensive support. These are mutually inclusive ideas. God has introduced one to the other as Suitable Helpers, perfect for the job.
Many blessings to your deepening marriage,
Lis and Dave Marr
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The 2022 Growing Families National Family Camp
One end of summer event we really love is the Growing Families Family Camp/Conference. Held this year, July 22-25, 2022, in Carlinville, IL (40 minutes north of St. Louis). This All-Inclusive Family Camp/Conference is a great way to connect with like-minded families and enjoying a fun family vacation in the process! Our son Alex went with us a few years ago and had a blast! What better way to connect with other parents that share your values and challenges, in a relaxed setting, while ending the summer with a wonderful family vacation.
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This summer, we are excited to offer several online workshops and classes to help equip, encourage and sustain you throughout all the seasons in your parenting journey!
https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/
1 hr Monthly Parenting Workshops – https://2022-summer-wrkshps.eventbrite.com
- July 24 – Establishing Core Family Values
Throughout the summer we will be presenting a 1 hour parenting workshop to offer Moms and Dads some practical insights related to their parenting.
Starting 8/3 @ 7pm MT – Parenting the Middle Years 7-13yrs (5 online zoom classes) – https://onefamilyhwl.org/event/middle-years/ – Life in the Middle Years provides parents practical parenting strategies as you and your child prepare for the teen years.