Hey guys, this is Dave. In trying to come up with a topic for today’s letter, I was thinking back on all the things I thought were difference makers, you know, those actions on my part that stood out as a family builder. I did the ‘dad writes a note’ in the kids’ lunch sack, and that was really good, but Lis was the one who reminded me to do it. I ate dinner at home pretty much every night, but that was a God thing insofar as I didn’t have to travel much. I played my part in being engaged at home, in coaching in sports, keeping the house nice with yard work and sharing in the house chores, but those were basics. Then I got it. The thing that was small in action, but large in effect, almost imperceptible in the impact it made on Lis and the kids, because they all received it – The Skull Rub.
This may seem like it’s too small to have actual impact, and by me making a big deal out of it, you might be disappointed. But the skull rub was a difference maker. What is it? It is what it sounds like, a skull rub where you massage the scalp and brow lightly. You do it at bedtime. No doubt you’ve already done it to your kids, so it’s no secret. Keep doing it! Let me explain though how it becomes a difference maker.
For the kiddos, here’s what happens: Since we had 3 children, when it was daddy’s turn to put the kids to bed, one child would get the skull rub treatment per night and I would rotate. The child had to be in bed ready for the routine with jammies on, toilet complete, and teeth brushed. I would then spend time with them, rubbing their skull, and talking with them softly. My touch had no agenda. I didn’t try and educate them or evaluate them. I conveyed nothing but love and intention. I was there and everything was all right. I would talk, or tell a story, or in the early days, sing. But the skull rub, a father’s loving touch – it was magic. The kids LOVED IT.
The kids weren’t the only one to receive that intention. Lis was the occasional beneficiary of the skull rub. Here’s the thing, there’s lots of touching in a marriage (let’s hope). But often, there’s an agenda that accompanies it. That’s not a bad thing, but sometimes that kind of touch gets complicated. The skull rub is not complicated. Its implications are unambiguous and clear – I love you, I am here, and I want you to feel good and sleep deeply. The skull rub on non love-making nights, or instead of making love, is an investment. Ten minutes or so of light rubbing of the crown or temples, smoothing out the brow, and scrunching up the earlobes is very pleasurable. The base of the skull is fantastic. And so the ten minutes of investment by staying awake and sending love through your fingertips sends a message. You are invaluable to me. And talking soft, sleep inducing, encouraging words, maybe in prayer – wow.
Ok, so you might be underwhelmed by now. I hope not. If you’re doing this now, your marriage is on its way to being a 10, everything else is fine tuning. But if you’re working on things, this little tip will push you up the scale. Think about it, your child receives your touch wholly, without confusion as to your intent. The relationship with your wife has complexity to it, but the skull rub simplifies things. It’s just you and her again, all the issues are for another time, but right now, you’re here with her loving on her.
Life can get complicated. I think it’s up to you to clear out all the stuff and get back to the core – just you two lying together sharing a loving moment – it’s a difference maker.
Our warmest blessings to you,
Lis and Dave Marr
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