“Ok, bud. Get on the chair and we’ll play a game that will show you something that is really, really important to Mommy and Daddy. It’s called Trust. Climb up there and I’ll show you.” Each of our 3 kids went through this exercise at around 4 or 5 years old. The barstool stands 3 feet off the ground, so the height is very intimidating.
“Ok, put your hands by your sides and close your eyes, now don’t peek. Eyes closed?”
“Yes daddy.”
“Ok, with your legs straight, I want you to fall backwards. I’ll catch you.”
“But Dad…”
“Don’t worry bud. I’m here for you. I won’t let you fall. You can count on me.” Verbalizing that specific language is important. With that encouragement our son falls backward trusting that dad’s strong arms are there to catch him. One inch after the leap of faith, Dad’s hands touch his back and catches him.
“Ok, we’re going to do it again. This time, my hands will be further away. Climb back up.” Dano, with more confidence climbs up and with straight legs, falls back. This time, dad’s hands are much further away, and the sensation of falling is much greater. With that feeling, the little butt collapses and his hands fly outward as he tries to not fall on his head. But Dad’s arms are there and he is caught safely.
“Ok bud, listen, you need to trust me. Don’t bend at the waist and keep your hands by your side. I WILL catch you. I will never let you fall. I will be here for you and make sure no harm comes to you. Let’s try it again, but you need to TRUST Dad and keep your body straight. Trust me that I WILL catch you. I will be there for you.” Again, using the words that you will repeat again and again in life. Dano climbs the chair, straightens up, and launches backwards in full faith of his Daddy’s words.
Dad catches him, hugs him, and says, “Trust – You learned what trust means. You believed that I would catch you and I did. Now, when I tell you ‘I’ve got you’, you understand what trust means. I love you buddy. Great job.”
What is trust? For the Marr family, we defined Trust as “Alignment“. Dano was old enough to fear the pain of landing on his head, a risk that he well understood. But with this exercise, we asked him to fully commit himself and place his belief in Dad and not his own judgment. Belief in his own judgement of course would come in time, but for now, trusting in Mom and Dad’s words were primary. He would be SAFE placing his trust in Mom and Dad. And that’s the key with young children, getting them to align with Mom and Dad to the point of ignoring other motivators – what their senses say, what their fears say, what their desires say, and later, what their friends say.
Words and actions must align with family values. That is why children are taught not to lie, fib, tell untruths or half-truths, because it undermines family relationships. Each member of the family must uphold the alignment between their words and actions and family values, trusting one another to do the same. This cements the foundation of family unity. For children, this lesson is the beginning of integrity. Parents teach that the child’s heart needs to be aligned with family values by speaking the truth. This cornerstone of family unity is a two-way street. Mom and Dad must model what trust looks like with correct behavior.
Mom and Dad demonstrating trust shows children the true meaning of being trustworthy:
- Keep your Word
- “Be there in a minute…” – Is this a dismissal where you’ll get there when you get there or are you actually on your way in a minute?
- “I’ll be home at 8:00 in time to read books with you.” – Do you show respect to your kids by updating them if you’re going to be late?
- Set the Example
- “You need to pick up your room…” – Is the whole house orderly?
- Say “Please” and “Thank you”. – Do you model courtesies and respect?
- Show Unity
- “We’ll have to tell Daddy too….” – Do you reinforce unity?
- “Let me discuss with Mommy before I answer you.” – Do you get on the same page before committing?
- Be Consistent
- Even though everyone has different personalities and temperaments, kids must meet the same standards, get the same consequences, and receive similar rewards.
As parents we, in effect, promise safety, security and happiness to our children. These promises are founded on trust that we share as a couple, practice and model for our kids, and express to the world as integrity. Our children, in turn, trust us only to the degree that they understand it through our modeling. We must be trustworthy ourselves if we seek to develop trustworthy character in our children.
Along with the trust game, another tool we incorporated to help our kids understand the complexities of life is the alignment we have with God and His Word. Trust that is developed in the early years is tested in the teen years. If trust training is lacking early, the testing is more difficult later. It was important to us, as the Marr family, that our kids knew that everyone in the family, including Mom and Dad, aligns with God’s principles and equally abides by them, like honesty, self-control, integrity, charity of heart, and persistence. This allowed our children to feel like they were becoming a part of something bigger, something important. The alignment of family values to God’s character begins, and ends, with trust.
To your family’s alignment,
Lis and Dave Marr