When our youngest son was in high school, he contemplated suicide. The length and seriousness of those thoughts aren’t definable, but that he had them in our family is not just a statistic to us. We didn’t know that he felt isolated and depressed, we only heard it in an offhanded way many years later. We asked his permission to write about this topic as a gift and a warning to you. If you’ve read this far, let us offer some advice we never received, maybe we were too young to receive it. Let the takeaways of this Letter sink in and change you. That’s our advice. Change you with understanding, change you with new perspectives, change you with added motivation to actions that might just take catastrophe off the table for your family. In the end, Kevin didn’t harm himself. He’s 29 today with wife and child and is very, very happy, as are we. What follows comes from our discussion with Kevin as to the factors that play into the complex psyche of a teenager where suicide seems a viable path forward.

“19 percent of teenagers seriously consider attempting suicide, a 36 percent increase from 2009 to 2019 and about 16 percent having made a suicide plan in the prior year, a 44 percent increase from 2009 to 2019.” https://spectatorworld.com/topic/the-crisis-of-generation-z/

Each child grows up in a different family. Child number 1 breaks new ground every day – first birth, first tooth, first to school, first sentences where family table conversations are intellectually directed there, first sports team, and first friend group. Parents are continuously trying to stay ahead of the first child’s development. Subsequent children are just variations of the firstborn’s path. Parents may think “We’ll parent each child the same.” But that’s impossible. Parents are at different stages of life with each family addition – maturity and experience, economics, family size and dynamics, marriage relationship, demands on time, etc., all affect how each child grows up with different circumstances. Firstborns often thrive with the lead share of attention, whereas second and third children must find their own space, their own uniqueness, to gain their share of mom and dad’s love energy, time and attention.

Are temperaments and love languages born in place or are they a result of the above-mentioned dynamic? Impossible to know, but important to consider, which we didn’t. The natural demands of raising Dano, our first born, and Shelli, our first daughter, encroached on the complex temperament and learning style of Kevin’s sweet spirit.

Fast forward to high school. Through the early years of school, sports, church, and life the family accumulates friends by associating with the parents of your child’s friends. You naturally want your children to have get-togethers and develop those bonds. You end up meeting with those parents time and again at soccer practice, school plays, church picnics, sleepovers, and beyond. And thus, you create a community. But that community is dominated by firstborn friends and subsequent siblings. The community has a natural limit in size, so child number three can have fewer true peers to grow up with. For a child, friends you’ve known literally your whole life have a permanent feel to them. Whereas those friends acquired later in life friends, as parents you’re less certain of who they are. And that was the case with Kevin.

The high school friends didn’t fit with Kevin’s temperament. The boys that were Kevin’s friends later in high school were good guys one on one, but different in groups. When friendships aren’t deeply felt, peer pressure has a more downward exertion on behavior and can be dominated by the most risk-prone individuals. Rather than having his friends hold him accountable to a higher standard of behavior and provide upward peer pressure, Kevin’s group offered opportunities to sneak out at night and drink. This wasn’t what Kevin wanted. Kevin wasn’t a drinker and declined to go. As a result, his friends stopped including him into their circle. At that same time, first his brother left for college, then Shelli. Kevin was feeling abandoned, isolated, and lonely. There’s more to this feeling of isolation covered in the next Letter.

Depressed thoughts in a melancholy spirit can lead down dark paths. With few outlets to feel connected, Kevin’s thoughts contemplated the ultimate question of existence – If this is life, what’s the point? The joy of living and exploring, laughing, and loving, feeling connected, and the close-knit bonds of the Marr family were threadbare for Kevin. When Christmas vacation brought his two closest friends home, Dano and Shelli, he confessed his pain late one night. Keeping the conversation private from mom and dad, Dano and Shelli talked Kevin through his darkest thoughts, and he slowly came out of his hole. Years later, for us to hear that Kevin contemplated suicide, even for a minute, was unbelievable. And here we thought we had it all figured out.

In retrospect, here are our takeaways from this:

  • Family matters. Your marriage and family identity are critical as a foundation of modeling connectedness and how each member of the family can lean on one another for support. Even if you are now divorced, it’s even more important that each parent continue to work towards family harmony. Siblings should be continuously reminded that they ARE lifelong best friends. https://onefamilyhwl.org/?s=best+friends
  • Family values of trust, transparency, engagement, high standards of behavior, encouragement for doing one’s best, grace for being human, and continuous physical verbal time-investing and gift-giving expressions of love and acceptance should flow like breathing.
  • Parents should invest in each child’s friend group. Be thoughtful in assessing the quality of family with whom your child wants to associate. This may seem snobbish, but your child can’t be discerning, so you must. https://onefamilyhwl.org/onefamily/does-your-child-choose-friends-wisely/
  • As the teen years arrive for each child, take time out to re-connect with each child. Rich and Shelly Howard’s “Year of Discovery” is fabulous for doing so. https://onefamilyhwl.org/onefamily/the-year-of-discovery-2/
  • When older children reach new stages of life and return with stories of their time away, after their departure it’s important to re-connect with younger children one-on-one with a date night or a weekend away. Dive deep into the emotions of how they are doing with friends, sexuality, and mom and dad.
  • Attending church does offer the prospect of planting internal seeds of self-worth that you can water and provide nutrients for growth. This internal dimension is invaluable.
  • Lastly, you’re developing a psychological safety net for your children you hope and pray you’ll never need. Investing in marriage-building, family-enriching, life-sustaining behaviors requires intention and engagement. In life’s complexities, finding the time, energy, maturity, and focus is challenging, but could end up saving you from your worst nightmare.

Something this complex can’t be described in a page and then prescribed in a few bullet points. There are other delicate, complex dynamics that need to be included to help you gain insight into your child’s psyche. The above is superficially true and the bullet points are meaningfully worthwhile, but there’s more that we’ll offer next time.

Blessing to the possibilities that DON’T happen,

Lis and Dave Marr

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In Person Classes/Workshop in the Denver Area

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Protecting the Innocence of Childhood ( 5-13yrs )– 2 Day Parenting Workshop – How to convey Sexual Knowledge to your children

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Parenting the Middle Years (7-13 yrs of Age) Preparation for the teen years – Five Tuesdays Starting 9/27, 6:45 – 8:15 pm – Hosted @ Cornerstone Lone Tree

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