In the first segment of Dodging Tragedy – Thoughts on How to Avoid Self Harm, we discussed factors that played a role in our son feeling isolated and depressed. However, the deeper contributing factor were well entrenched feelings of shame that ultimately manifested in the question of ‘to be or not to be’.

Time alone for a person that has yet to develop self-control or gain understanding on the ways of being human can be a dangerous freedom. What would a child eat if left at home alone? A salad or cereal? A carrot or Oreos? Would an early teenager consistently come home to freedom and choose chores then homework or watch videos for hours on end? How would they feel about themselves after watching TikTok snippets for 3 hours? How about if it were porn? Once seen, porn is meth to young minds, instantly addictive. A developing biology seeks stimulation that captures the eyes and drags along the developing psyche with it. Freedom becomes imprisonment.

Who knows how a person gets introduced to porn, but it happens to almost everyone. For Kevin, this introduction to his burgeoning sexuality caused the all too normal reaction. Going up to his room for homework or bedtime with a computer or cell phone handy was an open invitation to this dangerous world. Of course, Kevin knew this would be condemned behavior or at minimum pulled from his grasp, so he hid this secret away in his heart. As time accumulated, this secret metastasized into guilt and shame. Kevin now had a dark secret of addiction, and his self-esteem sank.

Nothing stands in isolation and every shame finds more reasons to feel justified. In the first Letter we described how every child grows up in a unique family experience. This was evident during Kevin’s high school days. Just when Kevin’s shame had grown to burdensome proportions, where he needed outlets that might throw him a lifeline, Dano and Shelli had gone off to college, and mom and dad were dealing with their own issues. The mortgage industry had tanked, and Dave’s business was crashing. Night after night was dinner, glass of wine, and tv. Kevin would come home to mom and dad escaping into binge watching while also on the iPad. The shame Kevin felt was validated because all the evidence indicated he wasn’t loved, even mom and dad didn’t have time for him. He ate breakfast alone and often dinner. His friends had stopped inviting him to their carousing. Kevin became apathetic and depressed. As Kevin described it, he didn’t feel valued and so found little value in life.

Self-harm is something that brings a degree of self-control. At some level it punishes the behavior that causes shame. And at the extreme, suicide fantasizes the scenario of a community coming together in love and sorrow after the tragic fact, a fantasy of control.

Thoughts of suicide, cutting, drinking, drugs, or other notions of self-harm are the culmination of many factors over a long period of time. It starts first with the foundations of the family life. Regardless of what’s happened up to today, these foundational elements are ones you can influence right now. Do you spend quality time with your child, know their love language, their temperament, their learning style? Are you modeling good relationship and coping skills and teaching them the same? Are you trustworthy and their confidant? Here’s one we didn’t do well in – in the transitions of life, do you guide each child with engagement? In retrospect, as parents we got poor marks in some areas (particularly in sexuality development and porn), but a passing grade overall. We could have done better.

How could we have done better?

  • First, we believe transparency is superior to denial. Sexuality is a reality. Porn exists and will find your child. Although uncomfortable, key to a developing psyche is to not feel shame for natural sexual urges, particularly if there are confusions about anything. Parental guidance on the whole topic and especially for self-management is better. Certainly, this isn’t something a school should introduce or manage.
  • Second, a phone and computer must be managed just like all other addictive forces. Computers should not be located in isolation but in open areas. Cell phones should not go to bed with a teenager but placed in the kitchen for tomorrow. Will this stop searching? No. But it will reduce the freedom to spend endless hours surfing sites and building up a residual of shame. Should parents go through a child’s search history? No, it’s a waste of time and sends the message, “I don’t trust you”.
  • Third, understand who your child is friends with. Have your home be the place where kids come to hang out. Be home when that happens. Be discerning and provide caution when your spider senses tingle. You may not be able to forbid the relationship, but at least you can observe and be close. Use the phrase, “No one on this planet loves you more than me. Not one of your friends can even come close.”
  • Lastly, be self-aware. Life can be tough for everyone. When you are going through transitions yourself, your children will go through them too. You can’t stop them from riding shotgun in your life. To think otherwise is insulting to them. Therefore, bring them in close and explain. Guide them through your challenges and help them through their own. That’s what parents do.

Kevin is a man of strong character. His transparency for these Letters is a testament to that. But more so, he has reconciled and forgiven the factors of his teen years which has led to nuanced introspection. Difficulty does that in people of character. He hopes, as do we, that by offering his insights to you, you gain valuable action items to build a strong foundation for your house and thereby navigate potentially tragic misunderstandings.

Many blessings to you all,

Lis and Dave Marr

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In Person Classes/Workshop in the Denver Area

Early Bird Discount Registration
Ends this week!

Protecting the Innocence of Childhood ( 5-13yrs )– 2 Day Parenting Workshop – How to convey Sexual Knowledge to your children

Friday, September 16th, 7:00-9:00pm &Saturday, September 17th, 9:00-11:00am – Hosted at Cornerstone Lone Tree

More info & early bird discount registration: https://PIC-Workshop.eventbrite.com

Parenting the Middle Years (7-13 yrs of Age) Preparation for the teen years – Five Tuesdays Starting 9/27, 6:45 – 8:15 pm – Hosted @ Cornerstone Lone Tree

More info & early bird discount registration: https://Mid-Yrs-Cornerstone.eventbrite.com