These Letters are intended to provide you with whatever insights we have gained over the last 35 years of parenting and marriage.  Our perspectives are not comprehensive, just intending to spark thought on how to take your parenting and marriage to the next level of effectiveness.  There is so much to say to you which we hope is instructive and encouraging, perspectives we wish we had ‘back in the day’. We had to figure it out mostly on our own – like how to encourage the family trait of courage – i.e., facing difficult issues with strength of heart. This week’s Letter examines situations regarding the Marr girls (Lis and our daughter Shelli) that ended up working out well.

Lis and a friend shared a private discussion, something to be held in confidence from everyone. Yet, her friend told her husband and somehow Lis found out about it and felt betrayed. This little bit of drama is commonplace even in adults. No doubt your family has felt this all-too-common bit of humanity. But regardless, feeling betrayed hurts as you weigh the strength and meaning of the friendship. The question became what to do about it. Lis’ natural reaction was to harbor the hurt and bury it. But in discussing this with Dave, he counseled if she buried it that would mean we’d be hypocrites, pretending to be friends when our definition of friendship had been violated. Dave encouraged Lis to confront her friend openly and at least give her the opportunity to understand how this hurt. Lis’ female sensitivities did not want to do this. She did not like confrontation. Dave encouraged her to face her reservations and invest in the relationship.

And so she did. The ensuing encounter with her friend was one of the best things that ever happened to Lis and her friendship. Lis gained so much in understanding by defending her definition of “friend”. The encounter offered each woman the opportunity to express their emotions and bond in a way that wouldn’t have happened without the conflict. Dave also learned by walking the tightrope in offering perspective in Lis’ affairs without mansplaining arrogance.

Our daughter Shelli had her own situation with tension in relationships. Drama among girls is the stuff made into movies. The subtle hurts and manipulations are too ubiquitous to articulate here but suffice it to say that no girl escapes youth without giving and getting a bruise or two. Our Shelli was no different. In the continuous jockeying for favor that little schoolgirls’ conduct, Shelli’s friend had begun associating with another clique. And in doing so, Shelli felt betrayed. Sound familiar?

Often with tears, Shelli and Lis talked about social pressures. Lis validated Shelli’s emotions yet was wary of rescuing her and robbing her of this opportunity for growth. Lis encouraged Shelli toward ownership of her own behavior and encouraged reflection as to how she contributed to the situation. They explored the good/better/best possible paths to what resolution to take. Of course, just like Lis’ own example, the natural reaction is to harbor the hurt and bury it, potentially turning a great friend into a childish enemy. “But we’re the Marrs”, Lis would remind Shelli, “and that’s not what we do”. Instead, she encouraged courage. She fortified Shelli by describing a scene whereby Shelli faced her own fears and invested in a lifelong relationship. Only by confronting her friend could she clear up any misunderstandings and hurts. Of course, that happened. Shelli and her friend cleared it up and Shelli came away with a life lesson that continues to strengthen her character to this day.

Lis’ experience prepared her to provide loving guidance to Shelli. The takeaways that we can discern from a couple of decades perspective are significant:

  1. We all need encouragement to face situations that are uncomfortable.
  2. Family Identity plays a big role in how your children display personal character.
  3. Character built in youth persists in life.
  4. Parents must demonstrate that they are not exempt from family lessons. Sharing personal stories as the kids move into their teen years helps children gain understanding that everyone faces character building tough times.
  5. God provides these situations as loving gifts for our betterment.

Please let us hear from you if this Letter was encouraging to you and your family.

Blessings,

Lis and Dave

__________________________________________

Kickoff 2024 by recharging and rejuvenating
your marriage relationship and parenting strategy

https://onefamilyhwl.org/events/

Classes and Seminars, Online & In Person, starting in January – Sign Up Today!

 

  • Starting 1/23, Parenting Seminar Series (4 topics) – Marriage Reconnect, Parenting in the Digital Age, Parenting the Temperaments, Core Family Values Assessment – Each topic will be covered in 2 sessions – https://onefamilyhwl.org/event/parenting-seminars/

For the first time, the minds behind Growing Kids Gods Way, Babywise and The Life Series – Gary & Anne Marie Ezzo, Rich & Julie Young, and Dr. Robert & Gayle Bucknam – will be coming together to share new insights and encouragement for your parenting journey!

We anticipate a sellout!  Register today!

https://events.humanitix.com/gfi-2024