As you know, we’re all about encouraging you to think about things you can do to positively affect the wellbeing of your family. So instead of just saying “Hey, take some time to write down your goals for 2019 during couch time”, we want to give you an idea that has been an absolute difference-maker for the Marr family. Dinner time discussions. If we were to list the things that made our family so connected, dinner time conversations would be near the top. Rich and Shelly Howard wrote on this topic (here) which is worth a re-read if you remember it from several years ago, but our take on this critical family function has brought back many great memories.

Dinner time was a priority, particularly Sunday night. Although Dave worked occasionally into dinnertime during the week, it was a rarity. Kids sports sometimes pushed the hour around, but sitting down together and exchanging the day’s download was an important anchor. Often, we would ask open ended questions –

  • “What was funny today?”
  • “What was something that happened today that made you feel proud, sad, scared, kind, happy?”
  • “What new, interesting thing did you learn?”
  • “It’s your sister’s (brother’s) birthday – tell them why you love them and what you appreciate most about them.”

As they got older, we took turns coming up with dinnertime topics. As children become young adults through their teens, it may be harder but it’s increasingly important to continue to connect during at least one family time per week. The idea then is to make discussions increasingly about ideas and abstractions instead of just events. From events we could identify our values and the issues of the day. This was critical for helping them see how big the world is.

When young, each child got time to speak and talk about what was important in their day. It taught them the critical skill of storytelling, remembering a valuable feature of the day and being able to articulate the event. This ability, easier for some kids than others, gave our children intellectual skills and confidence in being able to form ideas and speak them clearly. Practice in time of non-conflict, non-critical, fun family time was invaluable for our children’s development.

As parents, we never talked baby talk or in any demeaning way to our children. In fact, we talked at an appropriate adult level so that we could introduce new words and ideas to our children. However, one area we didn’t do very well with our youngest. Since our older two were more verbal, we enjoyed long conversations of exploration night after night. But Kevin was 4 years younger than Dano and, as a result, often mentally unplugged from the conversation when the topics became too far removed from where he was mentally. By not tuning in to that, we missed the mark on that with our youngest and would encourage you to learn from our mistake. Adopting a more balanced approach toward each child’s mental abilities encourages each child to participate in the way that they are capable of participating. Take turns and have discussions at each child’s maturity level on different days.

And importantly, we would always start dinner with prayer by offering praise or giving thanks for God’s blessing on our family. This became a Marr character trait to own a thankful, appreciative, and optimistic heart. It also started the mealtime on a positive note. Just the other day, Shelli, now 28, commented how foundational dinner discussions and prayers were for her.

A great idea to convict your marriage to in 2019 is creating a family identity of great relationships, quality conversations, love of God and ideas, and rich times together. This idea is the building block to a great family.  Make 2019 your best year yet!!

Lis and Dave Marr