Grandparent involvement in the lives of your children is a blessing that must be managed appropriately so the joy is not offset by drama created by imbalance.

If you have grandparents who cautiously seek time with your kids with a visit or they wait upon you to come see them so as not to impose, consider this ideal a wonderful balanced blessing. But occasionally the grandparent mix creates family drama that must be managed so that an appropriate balance is maintained for all concerned. This letter will attempt to shine a light on some of the challenges.

You’d think the unbridled joy of sharing your baby with your moms and dads is a simple act of love and honor where normal boundaries just emerge. For example, when you let mom-in-law hold the baby you just figure she’d eventually give her back. Or if your parents come for a visit on a Sunday, they’d leave at some point. But sometimes those boundaries are a bit fuzzy. What if a mom comes over too much? What if there are more than 4 grandparents and they don’t get along? At what point do you decide to not go to your wife’s parents for Christmas and your parents for Thanksgiving and instead begin your own family traditions at home? And birthdays, oy, what if one set of grandparents out-gives the other? Your family philosophy is emerging and evolving into your own values, how do you honor your parents’ desire to be a part of your children’s lives and tell them to not encroach on your parenting role?

The plain of it is that your children are better off with grandparents in their lives. The extra love and attention each child gets helps fill the endless bucket a child needs for well being. And let’s face it, grandparents have an almost inexhaustible supply of love to pour into babies. And that’s sometimes where an imbalance occurs. Genesis 2:24 makes the point – “a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh”. Both husband and wife become a new family unit and must leave their home physically and psychologically to mature into full-fledged adults. If grandma and grandpa try to excessively impose themselves on the new family, even through love, that is inappropriate. But what is “excessive”?

If your folks are visiting regularly and lending a hand and everyone is happy, then you’re good. We aren’t intending to introduce some idea that there’s an absolute amount of time that is appropriate and beyond that is too much. But if ‘excessive’ creates tension between the new parents, that’s an indicator that should be taken seriously so the family drama can be limited. For if left alone and ‘excessive’ overflows into active imbalance, then relationships can be in jeopardy. Nonetheless, the key is that together husband and wife must decide for their own marriage and family well being what is the correct balance and when something is becoming ‘excessive’.

Then comes the tough part – telling grandma and granddad to give a bit of distance. If the situation is that too much of the older generation is encroaching on the prerogatives of the younger family – too much time, too much advice, too much “help”, how do you gently offer feedback that says, “We want you in our lives, but not so much that we begin to resent you.” Not easy. Here are some thoughts:

  1. Feedback Sandwich. 1 piece of feedback sandwiched between 2 slices of ‘We love these things about you’. “Mom, it is so great that you are available for me on Tuesdays it helps me a ton. I appreciate it immensely. I think that going forward though, once we put Noah down for a nap, I can take over from there, you don’t have to stay into the dinner hour. I am just so blessed that you’re willing to be here for me.”
  2. Setting Limits. Life is full of constraints, so use them to set limits. “You know, I love having you drop by, but if you can call or text in advance we can coordinate your time with all the things I have to get done. It’s important that Lily gets into a routine with me, so if you can do that for me it would be a great help.
  3. A sit down. When hints aren’t working, you must be increasingly direct. “Dad, I am thrilled you’re wanting to be a part of the kids lives, that means so much to me. I want it to continue but in such a way that doesn’t make Jeanna’s folks feel awkward or creates favorites. You understand, don’t you?”
  4. We suppose it’s beyond obvious to say that should problems arise and small hints don’t work, then each spouse would talk to their own parents separately.
  5. Listen. God is at work during these times. Maybe there’s some good feedback in there for you as well. After all, they’ve seen more of life that you have. It could be that only small adjustments are needed when goodwill discussions are had.

There hardly is any greater joy when the people you love the most come together in a warm loving embrace – your baby and your parents. Managing the right balance so that all continue to thrive in that warmth is your wonderful responsibility.

To Grandparents!!

Lis and Dave Marr