This issue of getting the kids involved in family chores and what to pay them for allowance, if any, was a confusing bit of parenting for the Marr family. Now that the kids are grown and we can reevaluate our handiwork, we can validate some of our decisions and might revise others.
Family chores are life’s maintenance activities that must get done in order to have a reasonably orderly life. As always, in raising children, parents must establish the family standards brought to the marriage/family which the children will inherit. These are standards that act like sand in the oyster designed by God to help produce a beautiful family outcome.
An example of standards that demonstrates the idea of ownership – Dano and Kevin were able to mow the lawn at 10 while Shelli wasn’t strong enough until 12. We have a very curvy lawn with nary a straight spot anywhere. It’s time consuming and difficult to care for. When it came time for the kids to take their turn, the quality of mowing came down to one discussion: “This is the Marr house. Everyone who comes by will see how we care for our house by looking at the lawn. The lawn shows everyone the love and care we show for our belongings and who we are as people. This is now your part to play in upholding the standards we have in our family and in this house.” We never had any problems whatsoever with the lawn.
The point is about connecting kids to family standards. Completing an activity all the way through to cleaning up builds so many qualities while establishing how the family lives. Diaper off – wrap it up and throw it away. Poop in the toilet – flush it. Done playing with toys – put them back where they belong. Done with dinner – take your plate and put it in the dishwasher. Done wearing clothes – put them in the hamper. Clothes need cleaning – take them to the laundry room. Clothes cleaned – put them away. Wake up in the morning – make the bed. Each “chore” is an element of their use. Cleaning up afterwards is not a separate and distinct activity, it’s part of the same activity. Later, as the kids mature, the level of responsibility and scope grows so that “Put your dishes away” becomes “Clean the kitchen.”
It’s important that moms and dads find the right level of chores for each child and not rob them of contributing to the family and learning valuable life skills along the way. Interestingly, we had some boys visit from down South, they were the most polite teenage boys you’d ever want to meet with “Yes Sir”, “Yes Ma’am”, “Please” and “Thank You”. But they weren’t boys that we’d invite to our home again. They were without motivation and knowledge when it came to managing their life. They told us their moms did everything for them. They had no chore skills and couldn’t function as a guest in our home for a few days. It was like having toddlers again.
Regarding money: When should children get paid for doing family chores? Never. Chores are a part of living. Being part of the family requires participating in maintaining the standards of the family. We learned this concept in Parenting from the Tree of Life (Ezzos). Teaching money management is a completely different thought process. You might give an allowance to a child in their teen years to help them self control their wants and begin the separate skill of understanding money, but not as a function of helping around the house. They might earn extra money by doing things you would pay someone else to do, but not for chores.
Family standards take time to dialogue through and years to teach your children. But when your children are visiting other families for dinner, spending the night, or extended time together on shared vacations – your family standards will be on display.
An oyster will take 15 to 20 years to make a valuable pearl. How much more beautiful is your child when they own your family standards?