What does it mean to be a Marr?
This became one of the most important questions we faced as a young family.
It wasn’t something we thought about when we got married. Coming from different cultures—Lis from Sweden and Dave from California—family identity wasn’t a concept either of us grew up with. But as we raised our three children from childhood into adulthood, we discovered that family identity played a significant role in our children’s lives.
It creates culture. And culture influences relationships, effort, behavior, resilience, and joy.
For many years, our family culture was largely unintentional. Like most young couples, we defaulted to what we had experienced growing up—some good, some not so good. At times, there were subtle power struggles, small tensions, and the occasional “who gets credit” dynamic. Sure, we had plenty of fun, but we weren’t intentionally building something.
That changed when we were introduced to Parenting from the Tree of Life. At the time, our kids were young—7, 5, and 3—and we would have rated both our marriage and parenting around a 7.
But something shifted. We began to see that being a Marr could mean something intentional… even God-given. And from that understanding forward, our family began to take shape.
First, we became a team.
Mom and Dad were no longer operating independently—we were unified.
Over time, our kids noticed something interesting: when they asked either of us a question—about behavior, decisions, or values—they would get nearly identical answers.
Not because we rehearsed it. But because we were aligned.
There were no side conversations like:
“Don’t tell Dad.”
“Let’s just keep this between us.”
No secrets. No division. Whatever Lis knew, Dave knew—and vice versa.
Family identity starts with unity.
Second, we embraced a simple truth: Love is Action.
At the end of a long day, when both of us were tired and there was still one more thing to do, we had a choice: Push… or pull.
Push sounds like:
“It’s your turn.”
“I did the last one.”
Pull sounds like:
“I’ve got this—because I love you.”
“Love is Action” became our guiding principle.
Instead of keeping score, we owned the idea of service. And something remarkable happened—balance took care of itself. More importantly, our children saw both parents stepping forward, modeling what it means to be responsible—able to respond.
That spoke louder to them than anything we could say.
Third, we gave our family a language:
“We are the Marrs, and we ______.”
This became the framework for everything:
- “We are the Marrs, and we tell the truth.”
- “We are the Marrs, and we give our best effort.”
- “We are the Marrs, and we forgive.”
- “We are the Marrs, and we think the best of others.”
- “We are the Marrs, and we show self-control.”
It wasn’t about perfection. It was about identity.
It gave our kids something to live into, not just rules to live under.
Maybe this sounds a bit idealistic—like we were trying to create perfectly behaved children. That wasn’t the goal.
God had given us three incredible kids, each with unique gifts and potential far beyond what we could see. Our role wasn’t to control them—it was to guide them toward who they were created to become.
Family identity helped do that. It gave them a sense of belonging as well as a sense of standard.
Children are always being shaped by culture—either one that is intentional, or one that happens by default. Outside culture competes with family culture. With a strong family identity, we made a strong effort to win that battle.
To your family’s identity,
Lis and Dave Marr
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