“Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”

—Proverbs 18:21 KJV

Dave has had his share of business stresses, and mowing the lawn was prime territory for what our pastor, Gary Thomas, calls a “Fantasy Fight.” You know the kind: an internal monologue where you grind through a situation, slaying your opponent with irrefutable logic and perfect wording. They respond. You counter brilliantly. Eventually, they yield to your obviously superior position. Ahem.

Dave would replay the problem, what someone said, what they probably meant, and what he should have said, in an endless loop. By the last row of grass, he was wound up. As if the original stress wasn’t enough, he was living it over and over in his mind.

In the early days of our marriage, the same thing happened after disagreements. Dave would provide the silent treatment as he spun endlessly in his mind, whereas Lis desired a more verbal engagement. For Dave, unless an issue was fully resolved, the Fantasy Fight continued. Problems that a reasonable conversation could have settled grew larger in Dave’s negative internal monologue.

That silent, running stream of thoughts matters more than we realize. It shapes our stress, our relationships, how we interpret the world, and even how our bodies respond. In a 2024 study, healthy people wearing virtual-reality headsets watched avatars showing signs of illness approach them. No one was actually sick, yet their brains perceived a threat and their bodies began activating parts of an immune response.

The threat wasn’t real. The response was.

A Fantasy Fight works the same way: an imagined conflict produces real stress. It’s the opposite of what we call Words of Life. It’s condemnation spoken inward, on repeat.

Dave saw the futility of it during a particularly difficult business stretch. All that negative dialogue wasn’t producing anything worthwhile; it only compounded the stress. It took a few years before Dave was able to learn to release and surrender difficulties and replace them with a positive internal monologue.

But where does the voice inside our head come from?

Some of Dave’s came from childhood. His dad practiced negative psychology by making comments like, “Dave, there’s no way you can do that”, meant to provoke a resilient “I’ll show you!” He meant well, and perhaps that works for some kids. It didn’t work well for Dave. Those sentiments became part of the voice interpreting difficulty, conflict, failure, and even other people’s intentions.

Which brings us to parenting: What voice are we putting inside our children?

Words of Life lift and inspire, instruct and edify, encourage and love. They aren’t negative psychology, sarcasm, false praise, or pretending bad things are good. They are words that truthfully point toward what is good and what can become better.

And here’s the key: Words of Life aren’t only what you say to your children. They’re also what your children hear you say about life. You might say aloud:

  • “That didn’t work. I’ll try something else.”
  • “I’m frustrated. I need to think this through.”
  • “I don’t know how we’re going to solve this yet, but I’m sure we’ll figure it out.”
  • “Maybe she was having a hard day. I’ll ask her about it tomorrow.”
  • “You know, here’s another instance where God has been very good to us.”

Your children are listening. Across their childhood and teen years, they’ll hear thousands of little comments about problems, people, money, work, disappointment, each other, and God.

You’re not simply narrating your life. You’re teaching them how to narrate theirs.

Someday your child will face a problem when you’re nowhere around. And the voice they hear inside their head may sound remarkably like yours.

This week: when something goes wrong personally or with the kids, say your thought out loud, in its Words of Life version, and let your kids hear it.

To your family’s well-being,

Lis and Dave

Be Sure to Listen to Lis and Dave
 this Thursday on the OneFamily Podcast!

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