A wonderful young mom recently asked Lis for some insight into what to do because she’s hit a new developmental threshold with her daughter which is similar to the challenges we had as young parents. When the family is on the move and has to be somewhere at a certain time, you need everyone in the family to get ready to the extent of their ability. Think about the complexity of the statement: “In 30 minutes we’re leaving. You need to have your teeth brushed, hair combed, clothes on, shoes tied, breakfast in your belly, bed made, backpack ready to go with homework neatly placed inside, buckled up in the car with a smile on your face excited to meet the day.” Piece of cake.
As parents, the sophistication of our role cannot be overstated. These little darlings are packed with potential that we must infuse with positive energy to thereby unlock their motivation to learn and cooperate. We must unlock the code to their particular style and temperament using various techniques of encouragement, positive words, fun games, family standards, reasonable consequences, and the infrequent use of discipline – whilst developing and using parental vision, marital cohesion, patience, grace, consistency, and resolve. Easy peasy.
What does it mean to “Hurry”? Probably move faster than you might otherwise. But parents would likely use that term to mean, ‘Get all your stuff done in the short time we have left’. Isn’t the request to “Hurry” a yellow light? “I need you to hurry so we can get to school on time”. As adults we know the red lights associated with lack of punctuality and being unprepared and disorganized. Our child knows none of that. The parenting skill is to convey each little contextual piece in bite-sizes so that our children can consume each amount at a pace that keeps them positively engaged and cooperating with the learning experience. So what does “Hurry” mean?
During first and second grade, children need to learn the concept of “Getting ready”. They need to own what it means to get ready for the day. In other words, moms and dads need to transfer ownership to the child fully so that the child prepares for the day. All the skills mentioned above: wake up, straighten room, eat breakfast, get dressed, bodily functions and maintenance, remember what is on the day’s agenda, and help out if necessary. All this must be owned – Without Reminders. That’s the bar. Because if mom or dad is reminding them, ownership hasn’t been transferred yet. So “Hurry” means nothing without the context of skills, time, and consequences.
Here’s an idea: Make a list. Have only 1 item on the list. Let the child know that this is their list to help remind them what needs to happen in the morning before the day outside the house can begin. Encourage with positive words that this is their item on their list. When they succeed, congratulate with positive words and hugs to reward the behavior. After a week or two, a second item should make the list. A short time later, a few more items, until all the morning routine is listed. This technique covers what is to be done, but not how quickly. With each item, practice with the child in a time of non-conflict, explaining how long each task should take. Using a timer the child can complete the task, check the box, reset the timer, and move on to the next item. So, brushing their teeth is 2 minutes. Ding. Getting dressed is 2 minutes. Ding. Making the bed is 2 minutes. Ding. Understandably this idea may take some creativity, flexibility, and a bit of patience, but the child can learn tasks and time. However, sometimes fun isn’t enough to motivate a child.
For us, one day our prodigal second grade son had tested mom for the last time in getting ready for the morning. She informed him, “I know you know what to do to get ready. But my encouragement isn’t making any difference. Tomorrow, if you’re not ready on time, you’ll have to stay home from school and stay in your room all day. You’ll eat lunch there and do your schoolwork. AND, you’ll have to call your teacher and explain to her why you’re missing school.” (We had pre-arranged with the teacher). Of course, you know what happened. It was agonizing for both son and mom, but the red light became very real and completely changed his morning behavior.
For lack of writing space, there is more to say on the matter. You can get a PhD in this stuff. The big takeaway for this letter is that parents are to empower children with ownership of their life. If parents continue to own the child’s burden, the child is robbed of skills and capabilities. Getting ready in the morning is a first step in that empowerment. Second, break down the skills of that empowerment using terms that they understand. “Hurry” is abstract, 2 minutes is concrete. Lastly, use positive affirmations, words of life, and all the love languages to reward. However, after a time, should that not work, you’ll eventually move to natural consequences and structured consequences to demonstrate your resolve that the transference of ownership will in fact take place.
Many Blessings,
Lis and Dave
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