A functional relationship with the previous generation is a blessing to your family. The holiday gatherings, text banter, the regular FaceTime, weekend dinners with Grandma and Grandpa – your kids can grow up with a wholesome intergenerational connectedness that grounds them in a lifetime of wellbeing. But sometimes the relationship with parents or in-laws is such that harmony isn’t on the menu. There are a surprising number of marriages where the relationship with parents don’t function – they have a disagreeable dad, a grandma non non-grata.

Was it on Day One that her parents never accepted you? Was it some event that created a rift that has never healed? Does your mother-in-law use passive-aggressive language to seemingly undermine your authority, and demean your very position as husband or wife? Do your father-in-law’s facial expressions and snide comments indicate disapproval of your hairstyle, your parenting style, your very being? These situations are so amazingly common and pervasive in the history of parent and adult-child dynamics that standup comedians spout mother-in-law jokes as standard fare. But it’s not funny – and particularly not to your children. Because what happens? You hold the aces; you hold access to the grandchildren. If it’s a power struggle they want, you can play that game. However, and you no doubt already know this, in this dynamic everyone loses when children are used as chess pieces.

Your children won’t know what’s going on but will know soon enough that something’s not right. There isn’t anything your children want in life more than family harmony. It’s written in their spiritual DNA. Even before kids become aware, they want to be part of a larger family community, i.e., grandparents. You hold their sense of family well-being in your actions – as always.

‘But’, you say, ‘you don’t know the abuses I’ve endured’. ‘This generic Letter can’t understand that there are some things that are unforgivable.’ ‘That woman has cut me to the core.’ ‘That jerk of a father-in-law has flat-out said he’d never accept me as a husband to his beloved daughter.’ ‘We don’t want our children as pawn pieces, but we don’t want to subject them to their narrow perspectives either.’ ‘We are responsible for raising our children and those two people don’t fit harmoniously into our plan.’

Yes, this is difficult. Very. But coming from our own parental challenges, the advice we received was truly wise – “You’re the only one who can fix this.” Something so simple is incredibly powerful. Expanding on this – “You are the agent in your life. You are the one who can be flexible, to subordinate your ego to a greater vision, to be gracious when no grace has been earned. As ships passing in the night, you are learning the ways of the sea, while their sails are set.”

It’s easy to condemn their mistakes, their human frailties, their pride, their narrow beliefs, their self-indulgent style, and their willingness to judge you and yours harshly. However, as long as you hold your parents at arm’s length for your own reasons, there are potential treasures your children will miss. The Bible makes famous the line – ‘God will visit the sins of the father to the third and fourth generation’. (Deut 5:9). The point of this verse is that before we figure out the full nature of a problem, the reality of it is already ingrained in our children’s psyche. Your children will view generational dysfunction as the norm. It is then up to you to turn sins into blessings that echo down the generations.

How do you do that? How can you bridge the divide? The answer remains – “You are the only one who can fix this.” In deciding to resolve a troubled relationship, you are choosing the high road which is always more difficult. But it will promote the qualities, by example, that you want to model for your children. Where you start this project is first at home with yourself and your spouse, securing an agreement that the effort is worth it. And then find an area where disagreements won’t likely surface. Talk about football and not politics, cooking and not religion, and talk about the grandkids, lots and lots of talk about the grandkids. Directly approaching the elephant in the room may not be the best path forward. Just leave that bad boy alone for a while, a long while. By finding areas of positive common ground, you are beginning anew. And though the early days might be awkward and require discipline to not be goaded into a destructive counterattack, eventually you will have your way. Eventually, your ships will have passed and the tension will be gone.

Creating family harmony is your soul endeavor. Marriage/parenting first, parents second, your siblings third. There are as many reasons for disharmony as stars in the sky. If a relationship is currently broken, it may take a while to work yourself into emotional readiness, but the motivation for doing so stares you in the face every day. Your children are watching how you create a harmonious life, so they can emulate you when you’re the grandparent.

Be blessed,

Lis and Dave

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