Lis is in Sweden visiting her mom, so this week’s OneFamily Letter rests on my shoulders. The story below is an episode that was a major fork in the road for the Marr family.
Little did we know that when we took the kids inner-tubing down an icy run that our lives would take a sudden turn for the worse. Lis settled in to the tube and launched herself down the run. Halfway down a slight jump sent her airborne enough so that when she landed, her butt slammed on to the hard ground cracking one of her vertebrae and rupturing a disc. Thus began a 7-year physical, spiritual, psychological, and marital journey that transformed our lives. A journey you wouldn’t wish on anyone, but having gone through it, you realize its Divine origin. As such, there are takeaways that might have general application for those in difficulty.
Pain changes you. If you have pain constantly shooting down your leg due to sciatic pressure, then you do what you can to avoid it. If standing causes pain, you don’t stand much. If walking evenly hurts, you limp. If carrying anything over 20 pounds causes pain, you don’t lift much. If sleeping on your left side hurts, you turn away. If pain makes sex a sacrifice, there’s not much joy in the expression. Pain, can not only change you, it can also come to define you.
That definition, though, is a journey because pain is a gift from God. A very unwelcome gift, but a gift nonetheless. Because pain, unlike joy, happiness, and contentedness, demands a response; it requires that we do something to escape from the tribulation whereas contentedness does no such thing. And so, God’s circumstance confronted Lis and I squarely in our most raw element – our maturity. Either we had to grow up and figure this out together or collapse into our respective immaturities, Lis by playing victim and me into selfishness, and likely without each other.
Spoiler alert: Lis is fully healthy without surgery and I, well, I came to fulfill my role as leader of the family. You see, 7 years revealed layer upon layer of issues. Lis’ pain was severe, continuous, debilitating, and victimizing. This happened to her – Why? Was this now her lot in life to live in pain? We went through stages of maturity and realization that might bring you encouragement if you’re dealing with difficulty.
Stage 1 was to come to grips with whether this was random chance or Godly prodding. A defining choice for us. We eventually came to conclude that God produces circumstances for our betterment. To think otherwise would only perpetuate a victim mentality.
Stage 2 was to accept God’s role and thereby the nature of our relationship with Him. God had a purpose that we couldn’t see at that point. But accepting a life of chronic pain wasn’t in the cards, so we had to figure it out.
Stage 3 was to intuit what the point of this journey was. It took a while to see that James 1 was a major point to this. We were to develop perseverance and faith and look to God more than we had been.
Stage 4 was to persevere through the experimentation of this exercise and that, this remedy and that and not lose faith in complete healing. Lis’ faith grew with daily prayers, and our kids and friend’s prayers. There was massage therapy, acupuncture, cortisone shots, pain pills, physical therapy, nightly back massages, and a continuous stream of encouragement. And still there were many tears.
Stage 5 was to find positives everywhere and continue to energize faith and push firmly away from being a victim. There was a growing awareness we were on the right path.
Stage 6 was to work on the marriage, to rebalance the contributions towards equal yoking and happiness. This stage was really throughout the whole ordeal, but gained positives as Lis’ back showed improvement.
Stage 7 was to move forward consistently on the miraculous path God manifested in our lives – “aha moments” in chiropractic and Pilates.
Stage 8 was the firm realization that the pain was increasingly seldom, maturity increasingly present, and the convicting connection between perseverance and faith.
Stage 9, a 99% pain free life, strong marriage, and evangelical perspective. There were no clear delineations. The stages overlapped and were only discernible in retrospection.
I am so proud of my wife. She is tough – beyond tough. The countless days of pain that required her to raise a family largely without complaint. The early years and endless tears laid testament to the difficulty she faced. Looking back, it seems like a 7-year bad dream. There was a time when the pain made Lis’ countenance not so lovely to look at, that’s when it became clear that God was calling me to step into maturity by overcoming my selfishness and devote to her healing.
Our journey has many takeaways. Difficulty comes to everyone. Some trials seem overwhelming at first, but after a time you can see a path forward. That path will have many stages to your personal development that will express itself spiritually, psychologically, emotionally, maritally, and more. The key for us, and I assume for all those who face difficulty, is to find a faith that perseveres. It could be your own health or, worse, your child’s. It could be your marriage. It could be work. It could be anything. Here’s what James had to say about it that and it has become a Marr family cornerstone:
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
If you are currently in any of the early Stages above, my heart goes out to you in compassion and joy. You are undergoing trials that will likely emerge as a positively defining part of your life. I pray that this Letter inspires in you to a convicting faith that your journey is God-designed for your betterment and His purpose.
In perseverance and faith,
Dave and (in absentia) Lis Marr