We hope you’ve picked up on a major theme from OneFamily – Family Identity. Family Identity takes ages to develop a decent working hypothesis and years and years after that to prove it out through countless scenarios. Homework is one such area that brings many family factors into play where Family Identity can be used positively and effectively.
What does “the grade isn’t as important as the effort you put into it” actually mean to a child? Certainly, it sounds good. The intended message is that if they try their best, you’ll look at their effort more than the outcome. However, the interpretation of that message may play out differently if your child brings home a sad faced C- on his essay. “I tried my best!” may try and deflect back onto your previous statement. Sorry, sad faces are just not going to cut it. But, what’s the issue? Did she just quickly scribble something down and hand it in? Did he hand it in late? Did she not understand the assignment? Why did he not bring it to you before there was a problem? Is he characterized by this situation or is this a one off? In other words, it’s your responsibility to ensure your child climbs the intellectual ladder into adulthood by framing perspectives and behaviors as part of Family Identity. This is so they own their internal mindset and external behavior. Family Identity is the framework by which you do that.
Perspectives provide the why: Who are we as a family? Well, in this context, “We complete our homework fully, to the best of our abilities, with a happy heart.” By explaining that responsibilities such as homework, chores, using positive words with siblings, participating in sports, and all their little scenarios, must have the mindset and behavior to participate fully, to the best of their ability, and with a happy heart. This is part of Family Identity. This is how your family is characterized. You’re giving them the family perspective and the why they need to monitor their own behavior.
“When you want dinner, isn’t there always food prepared? And afterwards, don’t we clean the kitchen completely? And when you go to your drawers for clean clothes, isn’t there always clean socks and underwear for you? And they’re put away every time? Who does that? We do.” “And, when you go to turn on the light, isn’t there always electricity for the lights? And heat in the winter? Mommy and Daddy work to earn money for those things to work.” You get the idea. You’re creating context that everyone plays their role in the family to the fullest.
Behaviors demonstrate mindset, both intellectual and emotional. Getting a sad face on schoolwork provides good feedback that something is amiss, clearly. It’s not a 5-alarm fire problem; in fact, it’s actually a great opportunity to help your child practice your family’s values. Sad faces provide better feedback than ambiguous happy faces (for another time) because the issues and solutions are more clear.
Human nature, being what it is, can often mean tasks like homework are completed as fast as possible in order to get to life’s pleasures, like playing with friends or watching TV. This is of course getting through the homework. And that may be ok enough. However, the mindset is about pleasure and not learning. So to activate the Family Identity of “to the best of our abilities”, you would introduce getting from the homework. And you can do that by working with them on their focus muscle and their self-control. Both take time to develop.
Focus and self-control are almost synonymous. To take one’s mind from ⃝ to • takes energy and practice, like the development of any muscle, and with it managing the frustration that goes with accepting a new standard for effort. Reading, writing, math all take focus to get maximum from the task. It’s so much easier to get through it. But if you can’t teach someone else what you’ve just learned, then you don’t know the material. Therefore, explain to your child about second and third attempts to learn from the task. This is a frustrating new standard. Then have them teach you, explain to you, about it. You may have read our Good, Better, Best letter. It describes the tactic of helping your child with the standard of ‘best effort’. Teaching your child to learn to focus, with self-control, will help them gain greater understanding.
Imagine how this plays out over the years as your Family Identity.
Blessings,
Lis and Dave