As we mentioned in our letter last week, we hear from and get to speak with a lot of women looking for insight into parenting and marriage.  They are seeking advice and wisdom on how best to navigate with  their husband, so that he would be more fully engaged in the following:

  • “What is the best way for a wife to bring up potential conflict without making her husband defensive?”
  • “How can a wife help her husband feel like they are parenting together?”
  • “What is the best way a wife can encourage her husband to be the spiritual leader by initiating marital prayer and attending church?”

In Part 1, we shared a few preparatory thoughts that might help you find a path forward toward greater marital communication and engagement.

 

Engaging with your Husband

Seek understanding before seeking to be understood

A big part of this topic is the question: “When do men grow into managing all their roles?” For Dave it began in earnest in his mid-30’s and lasted 8 or so years, at which point he was more fully engaged in well-rounded management of his varied roles. A person’s brain doesn’t finish developing until their mid to late 20’s. Therefore, juggling career development, expanding family responsibilities, maintaining friendships, finding the time to work out, stressing economics, personal growth, and a wife’s list of tasks and issues is a lot to take on in a few short years. Each area of responsibility of what a man should be doing adds a little weight onto shoulders that aren’t used to carrying as much. It takes time to get into shape, to be consistent, and be competent in all these varied areas of life.

So, what do people do when they’ve just settled in to carrying the existing burden and they are asked anew to take on more? They’d resist. You’d resist. You’d say, “Hang on here. I’m not sure about this.” That’s a reasonable thing to say. There’s a reason people buy plants before having babies. Keeping things alive takes practice. Therefore, you don’t take on that next responsibility until you know you can hang with it for the duration with all the other priorities of life.

What if you’re asked again and again to add this new role to your many? Here’s where people can become argumentative finding reasons not to agree, or become defensive and close off the subject, or become angry because the request seems unreasonable. The whole approach of “Honey, would you please…? Why don’t you…?” might not consider all the weight being carried already. The point of all this is that before you ask anew for your husband to add to his day one of your heart’s desires, seek understanding.

Honor

How do you honor your husband? You observe your husband with fresh eyes and note what roles he is playing and how well he’s doing that. Identify the many ways he is working on behalf of the family and sprinkle your week with admiration of that effort. This will make fertile ground for a good conversation. It is immensely satisfying when Lis honors Dave with words of encouragement, even to this day. Finding ways to honor your husband might seem awkward at first, but this is foundational to good communication and intimacy. Importantly, buttering your husband up with compliments so you can ask him to take on your task is just manipulation. However, honoring your husband with genuine appreciation for what he does is being a good partner. They may look identical in the end, but the truth is rooted in your motivations.

The Big Conversation

After examining your motivations, seeking wise counsel, praying for discernment, seeking understanding, and praising your husband for what he does to make the family better, you want to invite your husband to have a great conversation. And this conversation is about the direction of your life, the lives of your children, the level of happiness and intimacy you’ll have with this companion you’ve picked to journey this life together with. It’s a big, big conversation. What kind of life do you want to have? What kind of friendship together? What kind of life will the kids have? How can you create a life of adventure and happiness? What does he want in life? In marriage? What obstacles exist to get there? How can you help? What kind of wife does he want? Get all the big thoughts out, explore his vision? Ask questions without an agenda, trying not to direct them one way or another. The thing about big conversations is – they don’t have to end at the end of the day. Conversations can go on and on. We, Lis and Dave, have had the same type of conversation for decades and the answers evolve with the seasons of life.

Shared Vision

During the big conversation, a shared vision will emerge. You want to be happy, financially secure, competent in parenting, having the right balance of life maintenance and fun. You want your marriage to be intimate, exclusive in confidences, fun in companionship, and balanced in load. Maybe you want some adventure, some community, some investment in quality initiatives like – reading every night with the kids, activity days, travel, and on and on. Here’s where deeper discussion can take place regarding spiritual matters. What’s the desire for or obstacles against attending church, praying together, reading the Bible? It’s a topic, explore it. Why is it important to you? What foundation do you want to provide your children in this matter? This issue of spiritual leadership is ageless, as it has been with mankind from the beginning (think Garden of Eden). We believe the answer to this issue will reveal itself in the give and take as you come to a shared vision.

Trade offs

Marriage is often about compromise. Though you don’t make love every time the dishes get done, rather him helping around the house fills the cup so there’s some energy left over. That’s a tradeoff. However, you don’t trade love – “I’ll love you (your way) if you love me (my way).” No, that doesn’t work because it conditionally implies that unless love is expressed the right way, reciprocating love could be withheld. Instead, “my cup fills when we spend time together and I know you like it when I compliment you.” Good tradeoffs are when each party exchanges an individual agenda for a mutual one. “I’ll initiate love (giving, awareness, respect, action) to set the tone for how I want our marriage to be.” Love is Action.

Do’s and Don’ts

Do stay positive, respectful, and invested in this critically defining relationship in your life and the lives of your children. Do make sure you are open, honest, vulnerable, and desire to know what makes him tick. Do include God in the discussion. It ends up being a big deal if it isn’t already. Do give him a “heads up” on upcoming conversations.

Don’t think one conversation will solve everything, it’s a process.

Moving to the next level

The questions posed by moms are perfect examples of growing relationships standing at the foot of the stairs to the next level in marital harmony. All problems and conflicts have within them the potential for a higher resolution which will require more maturity from both. Conflict can lead to maturity. Maturity can lead to harmony. The reality of marriage is that each person comes from their youthful mindset that is less aware, less understanding, likely naive where their own tendencies are untested in relationship. These areas come to the surface often in conflict. It takes time to understand these issues and requires lots of communication back and forth to reveal all the nuances. Each conflict and resolution, which happens in the best marriages, is a step up the stairs to a more harmonious marriage.

Overall, “How can I get my husband to _____” is a desire to be with a man who is engaged in a mutual vision for life and the behavior that supports that vision. Clearly there is a good, better, and even better(er) way to communicate your desires to him. These two OneFamily Letters leaned more heavily on how you can grow to the occasion. It’s nearly impossible to get someone to change, but you can invite him to join you in a new place.

To reaching the top of the stairs.

Blessings,

Lis and Dave