If there was one idea, one thought, one technique that if practiced regularly would eventually take your marriage to a 10, your children’s wellbeing into the winner’s column, and your life to enriching heights, would you incorporate it?
Seems obvious when stated so clearly, but what is ever that clear? If you’re like every other person on the planet, you are a work in progress. Which means to say that you are more mature than you were 5 years ago and less mature than you will be 5 years from now. Which means that you are picking up elements along the way that affect you positively, ideas that you are incorporating into your way of living that serve you well, and shedding aspects that aren’t useful to you.
Ideas don’t stand alone, they are contextual. This particular idea that we came upon hit us just at the right time. Our marriage was, let’s say, a 6 and this idea was key for us achieving a 10 marriage over the last 25+ years. Dave’s style of being a marriage partner was carried from observing his dad’s old school “I am the man of the house”, “King of the castle”, “I work to provide for the family” mentality. Beyond that, Dave was too often just a passenger in the operations of the family. When it came to fulfilling projects around the house, his immediate reaction was “I’ll get to it later”. This characterization might be a little harsh to our actual marriage reality but does portray the Davescape in which this marriage-saving idea came into being.
Love is Action!
Love is action. Love is action. Love is action! With this foundational idea both, Dave and Lis were energized to prioritize the marriage, the union, the family as a whole, over the individual. Dave, sitting watching TV, would receive a request, “Would you please _____?” and the internal dialogue would go something like this,
“I’m tired and watching this show. Yes… but if I love my marriage, love my wife, want to build a great life together, ‘Love equals action’.” And Dave would get up right away and do it. The norm had been to say, “Ok, I’ll get to it” yet consistently forget to do it.
Now, Love is Action! is an evolving idea. Note that Dave had to be asked to move from his reclined position into action instead of being involved from the get-go and noticing that something needed to be done for the family welfare to proceed smoothly. Dave’s engagement slowly matured into active participation. Dave was no longer a passenger.
Yes, this wasn’t a one-way street. Lis had her areas for growth as well. During those years Lis’ primary love language was Acts of Service, so getting Dave involved in the operations of the family was a huge investment in Lis’ sense of wellbeing. Dave’s love language is Physical Touch. Love is Action! is more than some sort of slogan to get your spouse to do something positive now. Rather, it’s a call to your inner voice, your personal definition of what love looks like, where you are confronted with innumerable opportunities to prioritize “we” over “me”. But more than that – the concept asks you to initiate value and not just respond to requests, to look for ways to demonstrate you are growing in maturity that enhances the marital, and therefore the family’s, wellbeing.
And so, Lis came to understand that Dave didn’t just want more bedroom activity, he wanted Lis to touch him in a loving way as an ongoing part of being together. This sent the message in a visceral way that made Dave feel loved. Therefore, she made a concerted effort to send love through her fingertips as she ran her hand along his back during kitchen cleanup. Both Dave and Lis found the action items that achieved the right balance of give and receive elevating “we” over “me”.
Of course, the above is a simple description of a complex issue on how to personally mature, invest in marriage, and develop a mutually supportive family environment. Love is Action! is a call to action, a marital rally cry that matures along with you. The idea itself invites conversations of: “So, how’s our marriage going?” “What is it I could do to improve that would help our marriage?” Over time, this one idea will continue to energize each next layer of maturity and wellbeing. Love is Action! conversations are great for Date Night and…wait for it… Couch Time.
Love is Action!
Lis and Dave
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Marriage Check Up
Creating and maintaining a strong and healthy marriage is one of the most important things you’ll ever do… and it doesn’t happen without attention and intention! We offer the online SYMBIS Marriage Assessment to help couples build on their relationship strengths and address those areas that need some attention.
Parenting the Middle Years
5 sessions- Tuesdays 6:45 – 8:15pm, Starting 4/4 – Hosted @ Arma Dei Academy (Broadway & Wildcat Reserve) in Highlands Ranch
Parenting the Middle Years provides parents of 7-13 year olds, practical parenting strategies to help prepare you and your child for the teen years. More information & registration at: https://Middle-years-AD.eventbrite.com