“Sweetie pie, I hope you’re having a wonderful day so far. I just wanted you to know how much I love you. I am so proud of you. You always give your best effort and are such a great student. When I get back from work, you’ll have to tell me all about your day. I LOVE YOU!!!! Dad”

The notes were short, handwritten, and hidden in their lunch bag, packed lovingly away by mom. Dave wasn’t as dedicated to the lunch notes as he should have been, not knowing how meaningful they were. When it came to parent teacher conferences though, we found out how impactful they were. At the time, Shelli and Kevin were too young to read Dave’s scribbled handwriting, so each took their note to the teacher to have her read it to them. The teacher read aloud Dad’s words. She told us the notes made her choke up, not because they were so beautiful in penmanship, but because they were so unfortunately uncommon. Too few dads wrote a surprise note of “I love you” to the most precious gift anyone could ever get. The effort was insignificant, yet the impact was meaningful.

Yes, well, we say that now. Dano, who is 35, remembers them and gives them a slight nod of approval. Kevin, 30, doesn’t remember them. Shelli, 33, says in retrospect she felt seen and heard, that she belonged. Yet, despite the tepid recollections, these little notes that conveyed Dad’s pride and love were impactful. Think about it – when receiving the note among all the other things parents do, this sensation of love becomes the norm. Does a person notice if something is missing in their life? If an opportunity to receive an “I love you” goes empty, what is the effect? No telling, certainly. Only God could know a parallel universe where the inputs or lack thereof are played out over time. But compound that feeling of love and acceptance your child receives, versus the absence of that feeling, over a lifetime and you could imagine the difference in life’s outcome. Seems intuitive.

Isn’t what we’re working toward as parents – to arrange our own lives in such a way that we are able to invest our energies so that our children feel overall wellbeing as the norm? Doesn’t that create for them the prospect of progressing upward from our generation? To be happy and whole? So far, that has been the case for our kids as we see who they are as adults. And, if taking 2 minutes per child every now and then to write a note saying how proud we are, how much we love them, that is easy enough to do.

Here’s another ‘Note from Daddy’ circumstance – When our children moved out of childhood and into their teens, we wanted to mark that as a special event. The thought was that turning 13 demarcated the transition from dependence to interdependence, the path to adulthood. Dave would take each boy away for a weekend of bonding and Lis would take Shelli when it was her turn. Here’s where it didn’t go off as well as it could have. Dave wrote each boy a letter, but not one to Shelli. Big mistake. The letter was to be written as if they were 25 years old. Written with adult words and themes, it was to be a Blessing from Dad. The thinking was that Shelli would go with Lis and experience a girl weekend and get a unique girl-version of the blessing. And that part worked. But Shelli deserved a legacy document from Dad too. A letter specifically from Dad, reaching into the future, expressing love and pride, customizing the letter on her qualities and traits and how her future is so bright because of her effort and character, just like the boys got. A bit of a tearjerker to write, to be honest, but oh so valuable. Not including Shelli in that legacy, despite her having a mom weekend, remains a big regret for Dave.

Dads, your legacy of engagement can be in big things, but small gestures can be just as impactful and create a family norm of love and acceptance. Write a note. Write a letter. You’ll be writing on their heart.

With many blessings,

Lis and Dave

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