Here are 5 ingredients to consider as you cook up ways to improve your marriage. We say ingredients as if to a delicious meal because each plays a role in the overall experience – none standing alone, each interacting to enhance the whole. There is no priority among these elements as circumstances could make a case for the emphasis of any element over the others. Yet each flavor adds a spice that truly makes a five-star meal.
1) Marital Intimacy: Starting with this topic is to emphasize that our Letters intend to deal with core issues in as forthright a fashion as is polite, yet real. Sexual satisfaction spans the rating system of every marriage. It is simultaneously both a cause and effect, a marital dynamic that acts specifically as a motivator and barometer of marital health. In our marriage, it took many, many years to get the communication down as to whether it was going to happen that night or not, and even if so, what attitude came with it. It took many years to adjust our expectations and schedule to the reality of children, to be able to adjust emotionally to biological issues and often unexpected timing, align our behaviors to being marriage-oriented instead of somewhat self-oriented, fill the other’s cup regularly, mature our self-esteem, verbalize desires and obstacles, and just get in sync. Each year, we progressed in maturity, in marital skill, and in sexual satisfaction. Our advice would be to get all the elements out on the table for discussion. Should there be a standard expectation that every ___ days, all else being equal, we will make love? Should he show more engagement around the house? Should she show more physical interest by expressing non-sexual touching through the day? Should he show more leadership in Family Identity? Should she compliment him more? Should he set the tone for family health? And on and on…
2) Love Languages: Learning the mode of your spouse’s way of communicating love is not some cute fad. It is real. If we were to guess as to why even good marriages underperform, we’d say it was because the couple wasn’t connecting enough at this base level. We’ve talked about it often in these Letters because it’s so important. However, just knowing your spouse’s primary way of giving and receiving love isn’t enough. One must act on that knowledge. For Dave to make the bed occasionally never deserved the Medal of Honor, but it always received recognition and appreciation. Lis walking by Dave in the kitchen and simply drawing her hand across his back sent a message of “You’re my big Daddy handsome”. These small, yet meaningful indicators are acknowledgements of Love in the language that matters most to your spouse. Our advice is to provide to your spouse 1 or 2 regular actions that would make a difference in communicating love.
3) “Love is Action”: Quite frankly this family slogan was used to overcome laziness. Often, we’d recognize that some action needed doing, but because we were otherwise engaged in relaxing, we’d let that item drift. Too often that drift ended up causing offense as it was a forgotten request. Whether it was parents asking kids for help or one spouse to another, lack of response ended up saying, in effect, “I don’t prioritize your requests.” “Love is Action” is a love language phrase that reminds us that “not only do I love you, but I’ll show you my love in action…now”. Our advice is to steal this communication tool as an infrequent reminder to prioritize love now.
4) Spiritual Leadership: Life can be exceedingly busy. In the pursuit of economic stability, personal accomplishments, children’s activities, and social development, spiritual engagement can be pushed aside as if spiritual activities were just one more box to check. When raising a family, the tyranny of today’s urgency can easily overcrowd long term importance. There is a very subtle component to pursuing understanding of spiritual Truth, family routines, creating a community, and building family unity along spiritual lines. For example, praying as a family, giving thanks to God before dinner for providing all His Blessings, bedtime prayers, family Bible time, and going to church, all develop long term qualities that pay dividends throughout life. Avoiding rote prayer takes time as a child’s heart and mind develops appreciation and humility. This family endeavor offers opportunity for family participation and acknowledges the author of life. This is the smallest of steps to take when taking ownership of your spiritual life. Our advice is to discuss and decide what priority you’re going to give spiritual expressions in your schedule.
5) Parenting: Every year your family matures – you, your spouse, your marriage, your children, and their relationships with one another. Each year presents new challenges to a family that will prepare you for the next era. As you know, life builds on one era after another. What is interesting and amazing is that the kids’ development and their need for increasingly mature and competent parents coincides with your own development and maturity. However, it may not feel that way as you bounce from one worry to the next, but rest assured your efforts will be successful. Our advice would be to take the parenting course we took (over ten times) at least a couple of times. The first time you take the class is like drinking out of a fire hose, so you walk away with a sense of what’s there. The second time is dramatically more beneficial, plus you and your kids are in a different spot. If you can commit to investing that much time in your family, it can have only beneficial consequences. Please visit www.onefamilyhwl.org/events for upcoming classes & workshops you can participate in this fall.
We hope you have gained some value through these love Letters. We truly love being with so many of you, love getting your Christmas cards, watching your family’s grow, and doing what we can to share the cooking techniques we’ve gathered in making our own family feast. The quality of your marital meal is largely from learning and using skills from the chefs that have gone before, then applying them into your own creative meal.
Lis and Dave Marr
Check out our new fall classes & workshops!
www.onefamilyhwl.org/events