Blended families have as much potential for individual and collective harmony and success as any other family, they just have some unique challenges to face. In this Letter, we’ll offer some perspectives on those challenges. It’s a big topic, so this Letter can’t and won’t be able to deal with the multitude of nuances that exist when two people come together, each with their own previously established lives. “But sail we must, and not drift or lie at anchor.” (Oliver Wendell Holmes)
A common lament that one hears when talking to a friend who is divorced and has remarried to someone who has also been divorced – “the kids visit the ‘house of fun’ with no consequences and then come home to rules and responsibilities. It’s hard to compete.”
Yes, human nature is complex, but there are generalities that apply pretty much across the board. OneFamily values and principles will have a positive effect in the long run, so consistency, a key factor, will prove to be critical in the family’s long-term wellbeing. Consistency about what?
Family identity is the ground under which an individual forms their own identity. For the children who have gone through a divorce, family identity has been lost and with it a degree of trust, and therefore stability in their world. When you think about the learning curve for a child, their early years establishes the nature of reality – the laws of physics and the laws of human nature. A divorce alters what they thought they knew. Their understanding of love and family identity will need a makeover. Will they adjust? Of course, humans are infinitely malleable. But having lost a bit of trust, it can be a challenge to believe adult-speak a second time. Therefore, consistency in messaging family identity will eventually establish a new norm for the family and child.
Take the situation where a new husband doesn’t feel established as a father figure for the woman’s children. Certainly, that is a delicate dance. And the actual father of these children, if around, will play his role. The objective isn’t to replace him or compete with him, but to lead this new collection of members to a place of happiness and wellbeing with consistency and cheerleading.
How do you do that? Family value statements wrapped in a name – “We are the Smiths and we talk to one another.” “As a Smith it is my honor and privilege to love your mom and to love you all, which I do.” “My name is John Smith, and I will be here for you.” “You know sweetie, sometimes life gets hard, but we Smiths stick together, encourage one another, learn from adversity, and get stronger as a result. I love you. I do.”
Hopefully the point is clear; A family with a clear new identity must emerge from the cloudy past. I used the father example because that’s a key element here. A weak contribution from the man won’t win the future. But of course, the new couple must come together fully committed to creating a strong family with all the values and principles that the Smiths deserve. The best!
To the question above where “the other spouse is all fun and no consequences”, how do you compete with that? Well, you don’t. First, though, you establish a quality relationship between man and woman that creates stability and consistency, forgiveness and grace, growth and fun. Second, you decide on what to call your family name. Third, you take EVERY SINGLE OPPORTUNITY to promote the family unit and each member within it. All child struggles eventually will succumb to that stability. It’s a gravity that will eventually secure feet to the ground.
One important element here is teaching the moral reason why. It is commonplace to have kids disrespect parents because of the frustration they feel at the situation. Teaching why disrespect is only a scapegoat for the real issue of frustration and that respecting parents is important because it accepts the common journey of life. It’s a bonding opportunity to explain life’s difficulties. Never talking bad about the ex-spouse is extremely important as well. Sharing about context, forgiveness, grace, and growth are bonding opportunities that break down the walls of frustration. Basically, being pro-active instead of re-active to a child’s frustration is demonstrating leadership. Not easy, just best. Lastly, encourage Sibling Best Friends Forever.
Is there more to it than this? Well, there are certainly more details within this framework. And as you already know, marriage is a tough business with the challenges of growing up yourself and coming together with another person. Commitment and vulnerability are layered things. To whatever degree you are dealing with that, your children are as well. And they are looking to you to navigate these difficulties on their behalf. This new era of life is what your new family is all about.
To your successful, harmonious, happy, blended family life!
Lis and Dave Marr