“When little people are overwhelmed by big emotions, it’s our job to share our calm, not join the chaos.” L.K. Knost
When your little children go off to elementary school and create friendships that introduce them and you into a new world of community, it is truly a joy to see them play and bond with others. Little birthday parties, sleepovers, sports – all contribute to a terrific time in the development of your children, as well as in your own life. It’s common that friendships develop among the parents too. And as time and events accumulate, bonds are formed and you become very good friends. But inevitably conflict will occur. Conflict between the kids brings out lots of issues, and depending on the severity and type, will impact the relationship of the kids, the parents, and sometimes even within the family. Is it a tiny squabble over a toy or did one child get frustrated and hit the other? Did one child say something mean or did an older child factor in and create an extreme issue that would require intervention or maybe the law?
When conflict occurs during play time, a parent will step in to assess whether the conflict is severe enough to warrant intervention. Are the children safe? Is a referee necessary? But sometimes one parent might perceive there to be potential harm. Maybe their parenting is overprotective and they want to prevent their child from experiencing any pain at all. This overprotective position might require the other parents to act as a balancing force to protect their child. Suddenly a small conflict has grown into a new scale that could call into question the value of the family’s friendship. If your family is young and you may doubt this occurs among adults, it does all too often. Sometimes the clash becomes open warfare. Sports events, cheerleading teams, high school dances, all can become reenactments of high school drama among parents. Here is where family identity comes into play.
How can your child who has been harmed by someone else learn to forgive and let it go? Even if it’s clear they’ve been victimized by someone through bullying or taunting, particularly these days with the many different social media apps available, your child can feel isolated. This is real and it’s painful. And it’s not clear what the path is for resolution. But some things are clear. Mom and Dad must demonstrate continuously what conflict resolution looks like in the home. What does forgiveness look and feel like? What does grace look and feel like? How does taking the high road lead to a better relationship or, in the worst case, a demonstration of character and integrity? It’s Mom and Dad’s example that becomes the basis from which a child will deal with conflict. How can a parent teach about cleansing the heart if they harbor resentments? Protect your children, but do so in a way that takes the high road.
In every conflict situation, both parties feel justified in their thinking. As the child explains to Mom and Dad what happened, not every fact will come out exactly right. The story will only relate one side, of course. It takes experience and maturity to see things from the other’s perspective. That is the gift of conflict – to see the world through someone else’s eyes. It is a parent’s role to demonstrate skill and maturity and teach the child along the same path. So when conflict escalates, Mom and Dad convene their counsel to make sure they’re on the same page and to check their bias of protection. Then the child is brought in to dissect events and review what’s happened asking what their role was in this two-sided situation. Letting your child feel as though they’ve been heard and you being appropriately receptive to their hurt. A safe place without excessive rescue. But in the end, brainstorming on how to navigate the situation, uphold family values, practice the skill of conflict resolution, keep the heart open and offer grace and understanding. This is why conflict occurs among kids and the opportunity it presents.
Drama, by definition, creates an emotional conflict. It’s biological that moms connect with their children and get in sync with their emotional state. Therefore, Dads must be engaged and create balance which is why it’s so important to get on the same page. And then, bring calm. This episode will pass. The relationship will likely heal back to friendship, or it won’t. Either way, life goes on and a Godly lesson will have been learned which, bit by bit, becomes the foundation of their adult relationship skills. The key is for Mom and Dad to model conflict resolution and grace, then teach it to the kids.
Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.
Many Blessings in 2018
Lis and Dave