Today’s Letter is from Dave to the Dads
I put my hand on Dano’s forehead and started shaking it back and forth in a way I knew would make him laugh. “Ok, I see it. Here it comes¦. Wow! It’s a rocket ship and you’re blasting off into outer space. Dano, this is going to be a great dream. Ok, you’re pressed back into your chair as the rocket leaves the earth’s orbit” as I pressed his head a little harder into his pillow. “And now you’re out of the atmosphere and soaring through space in your rocket ship. OH!!! Look out! There’s another ship and it’s firing on you! You have to avoid being hit by photons.” And I would push him around, Dano giggling like a typical 8 year-old. The story went on for 5 minutes or so till I cut it off and said, “I’ll continue this next time. Time to go to sleep.” We ended our time in nighttime prayers and I left Dano to lie there and continue to mentally play out the dream I had planted.
Bedtime routines were anything but routine when I put the kids to bed. I would take away their bad dreams and plant good ones. The kids loved the time when their dad would come in and spend talking about their day, but it was the dreams that really made bedtime exciting. There was a serious burden coming up with a new story 3 nights a week (three kids, one night each). And ultimately, that’s what did me in. I did this for more than a year, providing stories, but eventually ran out of steam. Big regret. I deeply regret not steeling myself to the task of building their creative minds and filling them with stories of adventure and character development. I had the energy; I could have continued if I knew then what I know now.
But here’s what my thinking was. Long day. I just want to relax in front of the TV, have some dessert, and think about whether Lis and I would get some intimate time to ourselves that night or not. In other words, I was looking to fill my cup. Filling my pleasure cup with rest and passive sensations. I look back on the opportunity in my late thirties and early forties to become something bigger and yet I have TV shows and desserts as my memories. Now, I was a pretty good dad, don’t get me wrong, but I have these nagging regrets on the life I could have had. Not huge disappointments, but little nagging thoughts. I was at a fork in the road and I didn’t see it. In my eventual good – better – best philosophy, I settled for good.
Maybe this might be different for you because I had my first child at 28, second at 30, and third at 32 and many of you are starting so much later and are more mature than I was. I started my business at 35. Our marriage conflicts ended around 37. I attained a little economic success by 39. And at that point, I started taking my foot off the gas. I had built something respectable, something I could point to and say “Look what I’ve got. Got the great marriage, got the happy kids, got some money, got the car and house.” My dreams, or so I thought them to be, were fulfilled. But I missed an important lesson that didn’t come clear to me till much later.
I should have continued to be a Dream Catcher for my kids at night. It is a metaphor really. Through my actions I would have said “I will be with you and plant good thoughts in your mind and encourage you to the stars through story, yes, but much more importantly, through modeling. I will continue to pursue my own dreams and when achieved, find new dreams to capture.” Did I put on the brakes in my life? No of course not, but I stopped accelerating. I looked to satisfy me in a way that slightly diminished my own potential. I should have pursued significance instead of meager success by continuing to be “all in” as a dad and in life.
Be a Dream Catcher.
(Lis and) Dave Marr