(Today’s Letter is from Dave’s perspective)
You can only teach what you know. You can only lead others to a destination you’re willing to go yourself.
My wife offered this: “Dave, when you drink whiskey, you change. Not when you drink wine or beer, but since you don’t drink much hard liquor, when you have whiskey, you’re different. And I don’t think it represents who you are.”
I struggled. Here we were at a nice restaurant having a good conversation and my wife decides to pick this time of non-conflict to bring up something that was bothering her. I struggled to stay open to what she had to say. I could feel my defensiveness kick in and a stream of objections forming in my mind. Silently, I started down the road, “Didn’t she have her own Lis-isms that I just accepted? Isn’t this something she should just accept of me?” But after years of having these sorts of conversations, I knew that was just my defense mechanism trying to avoid being called out.
I pushed hard to keep my voice from revealing that I was having difficulty accepting this bit of feedback. “Ok, let me process this.” It took me a few moments to feel the initial wave of defensiveness subside. I could start to see Lis’ side. We did have family standards. Allowing myself to become, shall we say, ‘excessive in personality’ was one of those unstated, now stated, bothers. Lis was asking me, not to forego drinking whiskey, but to decide beforehand that I not lose my sense of Marr-family propriety, to just understand that whiskey treated me harshly and to be careful. Was that too much to ask?
As a parent, there will be many times when you’ll provide feedback to your children. As they move from childhood, through adolescence and into adulthood, your techniques will mature right along with them. Because once they gain enough maturity to “weigh” your comments rather than swallow them whole, your style should evolve to consider their defense mechanisms. Just as you needed to learn to manage your own defensiveness, you can help them learned to manage theirs.
Feedback is like holding up a mirror, saying in effect, “Is this the behavior you intended? Because, if so, this is what your behavior looks like to others.” The point of feedback is for the person to see themselves in a new light. Essentially, “Hey, I’m on your side here. If you see what I see, then you’ll have more information to behave in such a way to make your life happier.”
There is a terrific technique called “The Feedback Sandwich” – a bit of corrective feedback sandwiched in between two slices of positive reinforcement. “Hey honey, I really appreciated how you helped me clean up the dishes. Your heart for helping is always terrific. When you put the dishes away though, I need you to take care not to clang them around because they will chip. But you’re giving me much needed help, so thank you.” This example is feedback in the moment. A more serious example where your child is characterized by complex behavior that needs addressing would require taking the time to sort through how their behavior is holding them back and then find the right moment to deliver the technique. This is the epitome of talking “With” versus talking “At”.
So, the point to all of this is that if you desire to provide feedback so that the behavior in question can be seen and discussed freely, you should consider the ego of the recipient. Everyone is born with a psyche that immediately moves to protect. That’s good and appropriate. You don’t want your children to grow up feeling continuously guilty. The defensive mechanism is a positive, unless it goes unchecked and they defend against all feedback to improve. And as for the giver of feedback, to not consider the recipient’s ego where you just ‘Let them have it’, is just venting. It may feel good, but probably won’t give you the long-term outcome you’re looking for. Getting good at this interpersonal communication skill set will reduce frustration and bring welcome respect and maturity into the family dynamic.
“Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)
Lis and Dave Marr