Happiness is a lifted spirit, an optimism in outlook. To live a life where happiness is a regular companion is to be faithful and persistent, willing to persevere through life’s challenges, and have enough emotional reserves to maintain goodwill for family and friends where you can respond and not react. Happiness is a skill and can be taught and should be a family requirement, not so much where you absolutely must display happiness at all times, but in a foundational way where one’s default state is that of a lifted spirit. We believe happiness is, on average, a choice and a skill. Even if one is born with a melancholy temperament parents should set the family standard toward being pleasant and happy.
Among the self-control skills parents teach their kids, controlling one’s mood is a skill that matures a person which results in higher quality relationships. In the lifelong laboratory of home, it’s important to model a temperament that demonstrates competence and control. This teaches children that mommy and daddy don’t fly off the handle or push each other’s buttons that escalate disagreements. The results get modeled in children’s psyche where emotional reactions are not as effective as self-controlled engagement. Happiness is more likely to return when conflicts don’t escalate.
Certainly, children should feel justified in their mood because of all the issues in life – new school work pressures, friend and sibling conflict, the multitude of biological changes. So scolding children for feeling down or frustrated isn’t appropriate. It is when a child gets down and stays down that is at issue. There a child must choose a lifted spirit, or ‘fake it till you make it’. Choosing self-control in one’s mood is a life challenge that confronts us all. Sometimes we succumb to “being down” when the pressures of life have temporarily mounted to the point where the glass is half empty. But since your children are watching how you handle life’s situations, let your spirit reflect the family standard.
Everyone is born with a generalized temperament that has been described by ancient Greeks: Sanguine, Choleric, Melancholy, and Phlegmatic. It’s valuable to understand your biases as well as your child’s. In the same sense as everyone has all the qualities of Love Languages, these temperaments fit loosely.
Sanguine Temperament: “Let’s do it the fun way”
Desire: to have fun
Key Strengths: bubbly personality, ability to talk with anyone, optimist, playful, easy
Key Weaknesses: disorganized, forgetful, exaggerates, naive
Emotional Needs: attention, affection, approval, acceptance
Choleric: “Let’s do it my way”
Desire: to have control
Key Strength: ability to take charge, make quick judgements, goal-oriented, leader
Key Weaknesses: too bossy, domineering, insensitive, impatient,
Emotional Needs: sense of obedience, appreciation for accomplishments
Melancholy Temperament “Let’s do it the right way”
Desire: to have it done right
Key Strength: ability to organize, set long-range goals, high standards, analyze deeply
Key Weaknesses: easily depressed/moody, over-prepares, too focused on details
Emotional Needs: serious and sensitive nature, meticulous, follow-through, compassion
Phlegmatic “Let’s do it the easy way”
Desire: to avoid conflict and keep the peace
Key Strength: balance, even disposition, pleasant personality, dry humor, competent
Key Weaknesses: indecisive, low enthusiasm or energy, hidden stubbornness
Emotional Needs: sense of respect, feeling of worth, understanding, emotional support
These descriptions are reminders of what we know to be true – everyone is different and needs a customized approach to be guided, appreciated, and loved. Yes, it is more of a challenge for a child who is not naturally bubbly to meet the family standard of a pleasing disposition than a child who wakes up excited for the day. But nonetheless, their long-term happiness, ability to bond with people and form communal friendships, and be energized to take on life’s challenges, all require a degree of mastery with the skill of choosing how to feel. Parents must influence the development of self-control in the area of temperaments just like they would in personal hygiene.
To your happy family life,
Lis and Dave Marr