Moms and Dads attend OneFamily parenting classes to find answers. Should a child sleep in the parent’s bed? Is offering a reward for good behavior a bribe? If you take away a privilege, how and when should you restore it? Are timeouts really effective? How do you get your children to play nice with one another? Should you spank, and if yes, then for what reason and how should you do it? How should you stop your child from lying?

Parents are charged with bringing into realization a child’s potential. Parents fear that through their own lack of knowledge or capability, they’ll somehow mess up this wonderful thing they’ve been given. And because children are “fearfully and wonderfully made” Psalm 139:14, parents anguish when confronted by the intricate knots they must untie.

It is a heart issue. When you release your child into the world many years from now, the most impact you will have made is on his or her heart. Will they avoid self-destructive behaviors? Will they do their best? Will they find friends and a mate that will lift them in positive ways? Will they find their own morality that is their version of the family culture? Each of these are heart issues.
Here we offer thoughts on impacting the heart:

  • “Couch Time” is a distinct time mom and dad take to be together as a couple in front of the kids. Couch time is a primary experience and foundational example of lining up hearts. Here, family culture is formed. Mommy and daddy can be seen as teammates that explore life’s issues and create the path that the family will follow. Couch time, whether on a couch, dinner table, or wherever, is the consistent vision of mommy and daddy untying the knots of life.
  • Teach and correct to reach the heart. Your child may have their little arrogances and little ignorances, but at their core they want to follow you. Do not punish them in word, tone, or action that makes them fear. Punishment is punitive, whereas correction is guidance. Though guidance takes longer to gain understanding, it reaches the heart and not just behavior.
  • Nip “sassiness” in the bud. Do not allow your child to speak to you disrespectfully. Model this with how you speak to each other and to the children too. Words of life!!
  • Defensiveness is a form of avoidance. If aligning their heart makes them feel bad, they’ll try avoiding it with evasiveness, defensiveness, or lying. Their ego does not want to own the negative feedback. Call out defensiveness, large or small and encourage a clean heart of honesty.
  • Following through teaches your child that your heart speaks the truth and can be trusted. By not following through with your words, you’re teaching them that your heart cannot be trusted.
  • Your child’s heart must align with yours, not the reverse. You won’t lose their love if you’re not their “friend”. The burden of leading the family is too much for a child, so their tantrums are desperate calls for mommy and daddy to lead the family.
  • Lying is a breach of trust and relationship. It in essence says that “my comfort is more important than our relationship”. Lying protects comfort, hassle, ego, and tender behinds. A child wants to be caught in a lie early so mom and dad prove their commitment to cleaning the heart. A lie is very heavy because it’s an obvious violation of the relationship.

Parenting from the Tree of Life authors, Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo offer this: “One of the greatest love gifts a Mom and Dad can offer a child, is the realistic confidence of their relationship between a husband and wife.  A healthy home environment is measured as much by the witness of this relationship as it is by the training of children.”

All the problems identified above will eventually be resolved if you are united as a team. Better still to be united with God as a member of the team (so say the stats). Every knotty situation, whether your child is a toddler afraid of the dark or a teenager wanting the car, is solvable when your two hearts connect with your child’s and gets them to see that you are on their side. When they’re a teenager, you’ll see, they will untie their own knots.

Lis and Dave Marr