“Dano, (Later – Shelli and Kevin) this is our yard. When people come over or drive by they’ll see this as the Marr house and they’re going to see the yard first. What kind of impression would they have of us Marrs if the yard was full of weeds and the grass, bushes, and trees were dead? They’d think that the Marrs don’t have standards of care. Maybe not in those words, but they’d think that we have this home and we won’t take the time and love to care for it. You know, it took mom and I many years to save for this house. We want to take care of it because it represents so much investment of our time and treasure, so when people visit us, we want them to know that we care about our home. This is the Marr home and we’re proud of it.”
“And another thing – your mom lives here. We want this house to represent on the outside as much love as she makes a home with love on the inside. We want her to feel that we love her enough to put forth the effort to make our yard look great. And you can tell she does that on the inside.”
“And lastly bud, this lawn is your canvass. You are a Marr. This lawn that you get to cut every week is artwork for you. The quality of your effort will show immediately. Will you rush through it and not complete the job properly by trimming the edges and sweeping up after? Or will you take the time to make the yard look great? How will each week feel to have a yard that represents your best effort, your best painting? You own this.”
This dad monologue was given when each child took over the lawn at around 11 or 12, basically as soon as they could handle the lawnmower safely. The word “Chores” is really a misnomer. It should be something like “Pride Opportunities” or something like that. Work is a blessing and kids want to help at their core. But by giving them chores and not contextualizing how the maintenance requirements of life are important for everyone to do their part, would be to miss an important lesson. Everyone’s effort in working together on life’s maintenance items displays, in part, the family standards. It took us a while to figure that out as a couple, but once we learned it, the kids were the beneficiaries of the early stages of a solid work ethic. The above speech did happen and only once with each child. This conversation made sense to them and they each took pride in doing an excellent job without complaint. They completely got the connection between their effort and family identity.
Money wasn’t a motivational tool for family responsibilities in the Marr house. We didn’t tie the two together. There’s lots of literature on this. But for us, we decided that every member of the family lived in the home, ate the food, used the dishes, and created trash. Therefore, every member had to maintain the livability to the degree of their ability, no money. When the kids graduated to the Pride Opportunity of mowing the lawn, they didn’t get a raise, they got a speech. Some of our friends had a chart of extra work the kids could do to earn money, which we thought a good idea. But we didn’t do that. Instead, we provided an allowance.
An allowance – a small stipend to handle little people wants, the onset of a savings mentality, the beginnings of a glad heart through giving, and the long development of responsibility with money – was provided without regard to home responsibilities. We started around 5 years of age with a couple dollars and moved up slowly through high school. Once the child started working an outside job, we stopped the allowance, but the Pride Opportunities continued. Their work ethic in the outside job absolutely reflected brightly on their Marr identity.
Back in the day, initially we were confused about chores and money. But as time progressed and we came to understand the value of family identity as the key motivator to attune our children’s internal compass and their external behavior, life became much clearer for all concerned.
To your many enjoyable days strolling a well mowed lawn.
Lis and Dave Marr