The recent coverage of Masculinity with the Gillette ad and the released Guidelines from the American Psychological Association claims that “traditional masculinity – marked by stoicism, competitiveness, and dominance and aggression – is, on the whole, harmful”, essentially a ‘boys will be boys’ mentality is toxic. The “#me too” movement and meaningful efforts at creating a world where bullying and sexual predation isn’t acceptable is worthy of everyone’s time and attention to sort through the implications of how this discussion will impact society and raising up of men.  If you have a boy you’re raising whom you aspire to be a man or if you have a girl whom you aspire to have a man in her life, what are you to think? Are you to believe that a boy’s nature to play rough, to want to win, to be high energy, and to be seen as tough are defective attributes? In this nature/nurture discussion, how do you raise your son to harness his potential as well as protect him from a society that might view his masculinity as toxic.

There is a difference, in our view, between masculinity and manliness. They certainly overlap. However, our thought is that masculinity is biological whereas manliness is sociological. As parents, we intend to raise our boys into men and not just bigger males. It seems to us that society isn’t making this formative distinction. Of course, domineering qualities are disdainful and violent actions are instances of a troubled person. But to say masculinity itself is a problem is to throw the boy out with the dirty bathwater. Raising your sons into men of character who are comfortable with their masculinity is an enormous advantage to them, a blessing to their future wife, and a wellspring of benefit to society.

There has been a decades-long effort to eradicate competition in sports. The notion that everyone should be a winner misses the point. The masculine quality of winning “they say” leaves so many losers and isn’t the message we should be sending our children. Not so. The noble circumstance of losing at something is an opportunity of either getting better or choosing another venue to try one’s hand. By eliminating events where a boy can compete robs him of the likely outcome of losing to someone who is better…at that event. The competitive spirit that feeds directly into the ego is one of the main forces that has propelled mankind throughout history. (Male competence is also a main factor in female mate selection.) Losing is a huge character builder. Parents should counsel their children to “stick with it”, “practice”, “learn to deal with adversity”, and “be strong of character”. Parental instructions should be – don’t wish your adversary ill, work on being better. That’s what competition does for boys.

Stoicism is the idea that trouble, pain, emotions, difficulty, etc., is endured without outward expression. Supposedly stoicism is included in the idea of toxic masculinity under the notion that bottled up emotions eventually lead to an explosion, some sort of destructive behavior that harms the self or others. Ok, that could be true for anyone, male or female. Life is difficult and proper contextualizing of life’s circumstances takes guidance. That’s what parents do. Parenting helps model proper actions and brings articulation to the child’s understanding. Parents certainly need to know their child’s heart and be ever observant to changes in mood and behavior. In so doing, they can be available to help guide the resolution of internal conflict – not remove the conflict but be a guide. Being stoic doesn’t mean being bottled up. It means to have the internal fortitude to withstand difficulties without unnecessary complaining. Over time, it’s important for parents to distinguish between ownership of problems with the ability to take action versus being a victim of difficulties and feeling powerless.

There is no clear line where positive male traits tip over into excessive qualities, no more than there is a clear distinction of female qualities, like manipulation that leads to bullying. Each gender has its own innate qualities that must be harnessed through maturity into useful traits for life. The notion that innate masculine qualities themselves are toxic seem absurd versus the idea that someone hasn’t developed the character of a mature person. The Gillette ad implies to a very small degree that being mature is a choice of some sort, and it may be that to a small degree. But it’s more a function of the long process of socialization that stems from intentional parents making loving investments in themselves to provide a good example for their boys to follow and the arduous task of training up the child in the way that he should go. Easy to say, harder to do, but truthful nonetheless.

This OneFamily letter took a detour into current affairs because of our perception that this idea of toxic masculinity is itself toxic. Raising up men in a toxic world starts with the idea that they are fearfully and wonderfully made and designed by a loving God with perfect qualities. It’s like the story of the man who was tending his garden. He had this beautiful bounty. A man of God comes by and sees this abundance and comments “My friend, you have truly been blessed by God.” The gardener sees where the preacher was going with this and replies, “Yes, truly I have. God has been good. But you should have seen it when God had it all to himself.”
Boys must be tended.

Just so you know, we love that you read these letters and hope they add in some small way to your parenting philosophy.
Many blessings,

Lis and Dave Marr