In a recent OneFamily Letter “Summer Time and the Livin is Easy”, we mentioned one of the positives of summertime was the kids having a sleepover, where play time doesn’t want to end, and pleading ensues to let “Timmy spend the night”. That letter caused some questions on the concerns some of our readers had about sleepovers. Today’s Letter expands on the idea of sleeping over and addresses those concerns.
You are charged with the responsibility for your child’s safety and long-term well-being. Period. This discussion offers our views for you to consider and hopefully brings out a balanced view. This issue is but an early example of the unending stream of dilemmas you’ll face between the rock of permissive and the hard place of prohibitive parenting. We struggled with the right balance all the time.
Should you do everything in your power to protect your child from harm? Yes? Ok, then for sure no sleepovers. Also, no playing outside. No sports whatsoever. Just forget driving altogether. Of course, no doubt you’d agree that’s ridiculous. Absolutes are rarely the right course. But the pendulum can’t swing to the other extreme either as you certainly know; where you’d say yes to every request. No, of course, it’s a balance.
In our marriage, as we faced this continuous issue, it became clear that Lis had her natural tendency to nurture and protect and Dave had his tendency to go forward and explore. We viewed risk differently. We eventually came to understand the dilemma on granting permission: “Is your immediate initial reaction to your child’s request one of ‘yes’ or ‘no’?” That was a marital issue about the risks of life that we needed to come to grips with as a couple. The different views on the situation though was good because we had to slow down and make sure that mom and dad were on the same page. We’d call “Time Out” to discuss the situation before we ruled on it. The kids used to come to dad as the easy mark. But after we got on the same page, they would get from Dave a “Sounds doable, but what does your mom say?” because she would always know more about the situation. Ultimately, we agreed that the answer would be “yes, unless there’s reason not to” versus “no, unless you can convince me”.
Lis wasn’t a killjoy by any means. She would know most of the kids. She would know their moms. She might know if there was an older sibling. She had an uncanny way of sensing risk. And, more practically, she kept everyone’s schedule in her head. She knew that tomorrow’s soccer game was early and across town. She knew that our child had to catch up on chores and reading before freedoms were regained. She was able to balance all that stuff into her answer. Dave honored her caution, though he was willing to overcome the obstacles more readily than she.
Today’s world is different than when our kids were little. Cell phones, texting, porn, and just plain weirdness exists in America’s culture. What is a family to do to let kids be kids and protect them against the risks out there? Should you pull back entirely? By doing so, are you creating a different challenge of raising “bubble children” that become afraid of life? Not an easy dilemma to resolve.
Here’s our thought process on the sleepover issue:
- Family Culture is critical. Mom and Dad work together to figure out the right bias – the answer is ‘yes’ unless there’s a good reason for a ‘no’.
- Have a great marriage. Your children will find safety and trust in your relationship throughout their relationships because you are demonstrating what love looks like.
- Build a community of friends where you know their values and parenting and you trust their discernment. Good reasons for a ‘no’ – Don’t know the family. Not sure their values align on electronics, parents monitoring behavior, age of siblings, etc.
- Schedule – can it be fit in?
- Children must “have freedom” to enjoy that privilege. Are they caught up with chores, homework, etc.?
- Is the child mature enough to be separate from mom and dad the whole night? Do they have night issues? Sleepwalking, bed wetting, crying out?
- Have an open and honest discussion about appropriate behavior.
There are risks out there, for sure. Bad things can happen, no doubt. But we believe the vast majority of that risk is overblown due to the alarmist nature of social media. We believe there is greater risk in over-protecting your children, which is much harder to measure. Saying “no” is safe and can easily be justified. Saying “no” too much, however, has consequences too.
As your children venture forth in life, you want them to have a “Yes I can” attitude that is balanced with a “Should I?” bit of caution. These little parental dilemmas you face today establish the foundation from which your children will launch. Remember: If difficulty finds you, it’s best to be a strong family when it does.
To peace of mind in finding the right balance,
Lis and Dave Marr