Potential.
Although we have a vague idea of what unlocked potential might mean, it is very clear what locked potential looks like – An intelligent teen that struggles with emotional instability; a gifted athlete who lacks motivation to try; a talented musician short on courage to perform; a disabled child who needs special attention. These types of examples create frustration for us observers who can envision what a joyous life they could have if they weren’t so constrained. We adults can see their potential if only…
Isn’t that what our goal is as parents? To assist our children to make it into adulthood so they can play out their story unencumbered by unnecessary burdens and empowered by what? their desires, their talents, their emerging vision of what their life could possibly be, God’s plan? Isn’t that why you’re reading this OneFamily Letter if not to gain insight on how to bring that outcome into a loving reality? That is certainly our goal in writing them.
And so we come together, you and us, in common cause to bring about a world that is more joyous because our children’s potential is increasingly fulfilled, bit by bit, child by child, insight by insight. The question arises next, how can we avoid weighing our children down with unnecessary burdens and instead nurture their wings that will give them flight? Can you imagine a more complex problem to solve? What, then, should we focus on first to gain insight?
But first, hold this analogy in mind as we address that question. What happens when our child comes to us for help in New Math and we’re clueless? We can’t draw from knowledge we don’t possess to help them. But we know how to learn, therefore, we adjust and take the time to learn the New Math ourselves which takes intention and effort. Or another thought, what happens to the child whose parent is colorblind? Brown and red distinctions just don’t come to mind, so teaching those differences aren’t really in play. Not much you can do to adjust, intention and effort are irrelevant. Children who have grown up in a colorblind house might be at a disadvantage in fulfilling their potential in a world of color.
Bringing the analogy to the point, what if your parents had a “unique” way of expressing love? For everyone, understanding how love is expressed in its minute detail comes from the billion bits of detail gathered up in childhood. Now here you are a parent teaching your child what love looks like – the New Math analogy represents your self-awareness to adjust with intention and effort to your insufficient understanding; whereas if you’re colorblind and unaware or incapable of change, you’ll miss meaningful distinctions and the opportunity for growth that comes with them. For everyone, it’s likely a bit of both – you can change and grow from your own childhood experiences as well as have blind spots where you just can’t see how you are impacting your child’s potential.
For example, among the billion bits of detail your children are picking up and weaving together into a model of “normal”, how will marriage be characterized with its various love languages – words of encouragement, physical touch, quality time, acts of service, and gift giving? How about effort? Or health? Trustworthiness? Respect? Otherness? Delayed gratification? Grace? Each of these is a version of love that is received by your child imperfectly. For in creating the optimal environment for energizing your child’s potential, you can only pour out of a cup what’s in it. And your child only receives a portion of what you pour out. Therefore, regardless of where you’ve been up to now, the first thing to do in helping your child unlock their potential is to look at yourself and adjust with effort and intention.
So that’s our thesis really: For you to optimally impact the psychological, emotional, social, and spiritual well-being and growth potential of your child so that they come out of childhood with as little unnecessary weight as possible, you do what you can, given life’s constraints, to fulfill your own potential. You do that in all those qualities listed above and more. Because what happens to the child when they see you’re growing, becoming more mature in life, deepening intimacy in relationships, feeling well and optimistic, gaining competence and confidence? They see someone they want to model. And THAT increases their potential.
In the many OneFamily classes, events, conversations, and email exchanges, we’ve seen and heard about the complexities of life, of marriage, of work, of relationships, and self-worth. We get it. One thing stands true, any parent willing to read this far into a OneFamily letter wants to impart on their child a wonderful life. The way forward is, with intention and effort, to adjust and change in the areas whereby you know you need growth. For if you grow your cup, more of God’s Grace and wisdom can swirl around for you to pour out, thereby making more available for your child to drink up.
Lis and Dave Marr