“Let no corrupt communication proceed from your mouth but that which is edifying and ministers grace to the hearer” (Eph, 4:29)

This past weekend the Colorado OneFamily community was blessed by Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo who led parenting workshops over a 3-day visit. They did as they usually do, offered specific answers to troubled parents dealing with the multitude of challenges facing young families. In their remarks, they highlighted a major theme in their teaching – Life Words which contain the essence of God’s character and is expressed in the thoughts, words, and deeds of parents to their children. They described how we are biologically predisposed to this idea where the brain gets wired differently when we are bathed in Words of Life. Every time a word of encouragement is provided, it strengthens the synaptic connections to a young brain’s higher intellectual development. Whereas, when a word or action causes pain, emotional or otherwise, the amygdala instantaneously diverts the signal to the ‘fight or flight’ area of the brain. Each instance of words that encourage or words that cause pain, strengthen the physical brain pathways that form the brains and personalities of our children – Words of Life to the higher cognitive paths and Words of Death to the survival parts of our brain. “The words we use define in the mind of our children who and what they are”. Gary Ezzo

When we continuously practice Life Words (which is a catch phrase symbolizing our thoughts, words, and deeds) then God’s goodness and grace is presented to our spouse, children, and the world. Yet, when we allow our communication to be casual, secular, filled with sarcasm, cynicism, vulgarity, and doubt, then these death seeds are planted and our brain’s synapses at the micro level prepare for ‘fight or flight’. Those seeds can grow into a negative worldview, isolation, and even more guarded outcomes.

Interestingly, Gary brought up a thought experiment that was invaluable. He challenged us to recall a time when we experienced physical pain. He suggested we could recall the event, but not the pain itself. Whereas, he then asked us to recall an emotionally painful event – a hurt, an accusation, a betrayal, an embarrassment, a loss of relational connection – just in the recollection, we could reenact that pain, relive and experience anew that feeling. In other words, we hold on to these emotional hurts because of the way our brain processes the information.

In order to do the best we can for our children, we must understand how life works and how we are the way we are as individuals. We bring our own upbringing to the marriage and our parenting. From that understanding and desire to not mess up a good thing, we seek to improve ourselves so we can do a better job for them. At least, that’s how it was for us. Here are some takeaways from the workshop:

  • Create a Life-giving home environment by eliminating death words and filling your vocabulary with Life words. Our words impact everyone we come in contact with.
  • Practice speaking words of life to your spouse, your children, those you work with, your barista at your local coffee shop so as to strengthen your mindset.
  • Download and print out the vice vs. virtue words from our OneFamily website (under resources) and post the list where you can easily see it.
  • Remember, there is nothing in the character of God that is …dumb, jealous, mean etc.
  • By speaking Life words, you give your children an identity that reflects the positive character of God
  • If you have older kids, it’s okay to talk about your family now changing to Life words and also take the opportunity to apologize to them for previous use of death words
  • Neuroscience research has proven our words change the brain of both the speaker and the listener.
  • You can heal past wounds from your own upbringing by letting go of the use of death words and changing to life words. Negative part of brain synapses die off as the positive life word connections get stronger. New neural patterns are formed
  • Make sure you also have your facial expression and tone of voice to match the words you use
  • Life words spoken early and often in your child’s life will impact your teen’s self-worth and identity later in life and could be a difference maker when he or she is confronted with negative peer pressure
  • Having a brain that is built on Life words, opens it up to hear instruction and guides the child toward positive change in behavior . A brain that is in fight or flight mode, literally cannot hear instruction since the amygdala is busy “protecting” the brain from emotional harm.
  • “You are what you think.”
  • Speaking Life can stave off lying or hitting or being selfish by not only pointing out what the child is doing wrong (death words) but how they can be moved toward doing the right thing by using the virtue as the goal … “You are someone who tells the truth” “You can learn to be more gentle”, “You can learn to be more generous”.
  • To create a Life-giving community where everyone in your social circle speaks Life, consider facilitating a parenting course in your home with like-minded families. We here at OneFamily will come alongside you with all the materials, resources and discussion questions you need….

Gary and Anne Marie Ezzo’s message this weekend was an impactful reminder that as individuals, and particularly as parents, we have a responsibility to speak in such a way as to lift people with Words of Life. By doing so, not only do our children grow into positive, open-minded, loving individuals, but we are positively impacted ourselves by leading the way toward reflecting the character of God in all areas of our life. “Bringing God to the moment.”.

Great weekend. Thanks for all of you who were able to attend and for those who volunteered, you are the best!

To your abundant Life filled words and families,

Lis and Dave Marr