Ah… the teen years. As a parent when your children are still in the single digits, the teen years appear in the distance as this scary time of hormones, conflict, breaking away, and angst. To be sure, those descriptions do exist as many movies and memories can attest, but they are not inevitable. The teen years are rich in family, intellectual, social, and physical development. Preparing for all of life’s stages is a wise endeavor for parents, and children, so that when issues do arise the individual and the family are a bit more aware and ready to engage in the challenge. At the Marr household, we loved the teen years. There were times when we didn’t know what was truly going on, but the foundation of relationships within the marriage, with the siblings, and throughout the family held us strong through those times. And it was that strength that protected our children as the leash became longer and trust became more important.
When should you start preparing for the teen years? Kind of a dumb question because the answer is so obvious – Immediately. In the toddler years, a child begins the long process of independence/interdependence within the context of family trust. A strong-willed toddler will likely be a very strong-willed teenager. This comment isn’t intended to scare you, but make you aware that ‘willfulness’ that walks independent of wise counsel resurfaces time and time again. Parenting, at its core, conveys essential experience that the child must be open to absorbing in faith so that hard lessons can be avoided down the road. Everyone knows that parenting is not just teaching children about the civility of please and thank you, rather you’re teaching them to look to you for advance knowledge of life’s lessons to which they must be open. That idea does not abruptly end at 18, but continues well into their adult lives.
In Parenting from the Tree of Life, the funnel concept is terrific imagery for how to create security for a child, understanding the balance between freedom and responsibility, developing personal self control, and navigating a child from being ‘wise in their own eyes’. It’s a brilliant understanding of early human nature and parenting design. The challenge, however, is to put detail into the concept and to know exactly under what circumstances the funnel should be widened. There’s no generic answer we can convey. However, the Ezzos have articulated another inspired concept that does prevail throughout the teen years – social pressure is only as strong as family bonds are weak. This is what we observed. Teen rebellion is a rejection of relationship more than of restrictions.
In the Marr household, the sum total of rebellion among all 3 teenagers was about 15 minutes. Dave asked Dano to go pick up his brother at the park and Dano responded that he’d think about it. Instant conflict. The discussion that ensued drew out the idea that all of Dano’s friends were rebelling and he wanted to too. The response Dave provided is probably universal: “Dano, there isn’t anything that you want that we don’t want for you. In fact, there are many more things that you don’t even know about yet that we want for you. How can you rebel against someone who wants more for you than you do? We’re on the same side. The only thing we’re talking about is timing. You may think you’re ready for this freedom, but we’re not so sure. We are concerned about the maturity of some of your friends where their decisions might affect you negatively. Your strength of character is excellent, but in some situations you might be influenced to do something sooner than we think is good for you. So the answer is ‘yes’, but just not right now.” This answer diffused his thoughts on rebelling. But because the bonds of trust between us and Dano were strong, our message made sense. He knew we were genuinely interested in his development and well-being and not just trying to control him and deny him his freedom.
Each child is different. Where Dano wanted more independence, which he of course got in meaningful, age-appropriate steps that ultimately led to successful high school and college experiences, some parents might need to encourage passive kids to explore situations where the outcome isn’t controlled by mom and dad. This delicate balance is an agonizing part of parenting, but also is a blessed opportunity. Because of the complexity of this adolescent stage of life at a time when so many other things are going on in other parts of parents’ life, things at work, with your own folks, within the marriage, and maybe even with health, parents can be overwhelmed by the teen’s developmental issues. However, this is the crux of family life. It is the last handful of years where parental influence has an opening within their children’s psyche before the launch date. And the earlier in their lives you begin this journey of “widening (or narrowing) the funnel”, the better equipped you will all be to see it become a blessed part of the parent/child relationship during the teen years.
Over the next several weeks, we’ll touch on a handful of topics, techniques, and thoughts that helped us through the teen years and through college.
To your fun-filled era of the teen years,
Lis and Dave Marr