The above picture of ‘Little Tiny Buddy Kevin and Shelli Belly’ has been pinned up in our office for almost 22 years. Taken before digital photos had really caught on, it’s a little tattered and a lot loved. If the house were to catch fire, this is what we’d run inside for. This picture captures for us the love of our family. Last year, we sent you a Letter entitled Sibling Best Friends Forever. The Letter highlights 9 areas that we thought would help create lifelong relationships among your kids. Items 5 and 7 are introductions to matters of the heart that will take the most effort in your parenting. So we thought that a little expansion here would be worthwhile.
Babies are born with varying degrees of selfishness and selflessness. Some kids are amazing at how aware and empathetic they can be of others; whereas many more live in their own head and are oblivious to the world around them. Left to their own temperament, children will often lean towards a “me first and only me” attitude. In general, you want a child who has a healthy ego, but not one who is all ego. Your job as a parent very often is to get a child to empathize and have compassion for other people so that they are aware life doesn’t revolve around their little world. Conversely, more passive children need to be taught to assert themselves and draw reasonable boundaries. Importantly, these learned behaviors grow in importance so that ultimately they are skills in finding and keeping a spouse, succeeding in business, developing a community of friends, and shining God’s love in a much bigger world.
Family conflict is life’s laboratory. Hardly a day goes by without some bumped elbow, commandeered toy, or sharp tongue that disturbs the tranquility of play time. Since most siblings are of different ages and likely different temperaments and stages of development, play time will always have an imbalance of abilities and outcomes. Teaching passive kids not to whimper and continuously accept defeat is as important as teaching dominating children to back off the gloating and self-congratulations when winning their 3rd game of Candyland. At some point, a line is crossed, tempers flair, and a ref is sought to sort things out. Hopefully, this moment can be used to look into the hearts of the participants and move them closer to moral maturity.
“You are…” statements are important. These positive assertions plant the seeds for the young developing psyche to begin to define “How I am…”. For example as we stated in Sibling Best Friends Forever, during conflict you provide a continuous reminder for the siblings “You are best friends. You are going to be best friends your whole life”. They can’t hear this enough. To the passive child, “You are strong. You are able to try even when you’re playing with someone older. Good job.” Or to the bossy, “You are getting better at thinking of others. I am so proud of how you play fairly so everyone can have fun. Great job!”
Yet, not every parenting opportunity is so easily nudged with that kind of messaging. Occasionally, the infraction does violate family norms. The genuine infraction requires more than just shaking it off and rubbing dirt on it. It requires an apology. Another Ezzo-ism (which is fun to say).
“I apologize for hurting you. I was wrong. Will you forgive me?” takes vulnerability and strength. The statement is unequivocal and clear. What won’t do is an insincere “Sorry” with eyes roving the room for escape. No, a true request is: “I apologize for _____. It was wrong of me to do that. Will you forgive me?” which is critical for personal and relational development. It’s a shift in power to the one who’s been offended. “Will you forgive me?” gives the person the option of not forgiving and holding that infraction over their head. So when forgiveness does come, as it always does, then the relationship is restored to a stronger place than before the infraction.
What you are trying to do with this is help a child gain self control in their life and not be so ego centric. This early stage development grows so that over time a child will be able to face consequences without trying to escape responsibility, a pretty big deal in the teen years. So getting a child to approach the offended, look them in the eye, genuinely and fully accept responsibility for their actions, ask for forgiveness, and wait patiently for a response takes tremendous strength and character. The offended should be given some time to get over the offense before being asked to accept the apology. However, if they don’t accept a sincere request for forgiveness, then we can discuss that topic later.
When you extend this character quality into the teen years and beyond, this little tool is incredibly powerful. And the above pictured two loves of our lives (along with their older brother Dano) have proven this tool to be a bedrock of character development. Thank you Gary and Ann Marie!!
To your family’s well-being,
Lis and Dave